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Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

0 posted 2005-04-06 10:47 AM

Calm
Stillness

I am comforted by the dark
my thoughts of time lost.

It wasn't wasted time
as 2 became 5
and the extra 3 are beloved to me.

But it was hard.
Harder than I let on.
Tears do not do it justice.

Innocent I took the vow.
Innocent I smiled at our plans
of future riches and happiness.

There never was that picket fence.
There never was satisfaction in what was had
tainted as it was by an addicts hand.

Buried alive, trying so hard to be still.
I didn't move much in later years
knowing to fight circumstance would be futile.

Nothing was going to change.
I groveled and pleaded redemption
for my lack of making it better.

Not understanding then
just the want of better
gave strength for what was to come.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

1 posted 2005-04-06 10:52 AM

It wasn't wasted time
as 2 became 5
and the extra 3 are beloved to me.

smiles and hugs, very much enjoyed this...you are extremely colorful...in a great blessing sort of way...

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

2 posted 2005-04-06 10:55 AM

Not understanding then
just the want of better
gave strength for what was to come.

amen sister, you said a mouth full! Indeed it does, and damn, aren't we glad it does! Hugs for this'n....

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2005-04-06 11:02 AM

yes, 'the want of better' is a strengthening motivator

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

4 posted 2005-04-06 01:30 PM

and then to make matters worse you i started emailing you..

sighs but things will get better, according to tv utter bliss is as close as a bottle of shampoo or a tube of toothpaste grins

hugskiss

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

5 posted 2005-04-06 04:43 PM

Susan - this tugs and pulls- you effectively take one's emotions in hands and make them feel -

Hugs -

Susan

If I wander far enough, long enough, will I finally know . . .

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

6 posted 2005-04-06 04:54 PM

I could see and feel the red of your dreams.

May new dreams bring promise to your days ~ and nights...

Linda

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

7 posted 2005-04-06 06:03 PM

sighness

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

8 posted 2005-04-07 08:58 AM

Thank you for reading and replying

and Karen?

I know you know.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

9 posted 2005-04-07 02:14 PM

"Nothing was going to change.
I groveled and pleaded redemption
for my lack of making it better.

Not understanding then
just the want of better
gave strength for what was to come"

amazing how deeply, this touches...
wow..wow..wow...

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

10 posted 2005-04-07 02:30 PM

I know too much of this... so I send heartfelt hugs.

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

11 posted 2005-04-07 02:32 PM

strength and courage throughout the write

Cloud 9
Senior Member

since 2004-11-05

Posts 980
Ca

12 posted 2005-04-07 03:01 PM

"Innocent I took the vow.
Innocent I smiled at our plans
of future riches and happiness.

There never was that picket fence.
There never was satisfaction in what was had
tainted as it was by an addicts hand."
This sounds familiar...

No one wants their marriage to end and when you have done all you can to make it work and the other makes no attempt TO make it work.......something in you just snaps and you give up because that person will never change.

Great write.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

13 posted 2005-04-07 03:40 PM

I read this yesterday,
and the bleed was too close
to home...

So I had to cowgirl up
in order to come back
and say...

yes, exactly...this is how it was.

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

14 posted 2005-04-07 03:46 PM

Awesome write. Much enjoyed. Chris

"The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze."
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

15 posted 2005-04-08 02:48 AM

I LOVE it... You're very good..

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

16 posted 2005-04-08 03:41 AM

yes, only makes it stronger

stevebrklynnyc
Member

since 2004-01-04

Posts 292
GA, Camden

17 posted 2005-07-18 09:16 PM

I never used them to be with you. I still love you, cant you see that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

18 posted 2005-07-19 07:22 AM

Let me clear this up:

"Calm
Stillness

I am comforted by the dark
my thoughts of time lost.

It wasn't wasted time
as 2 became 5
and the extra 3 are beloved to me.

two, as in me and my ex husband, the extra 3 being my children.

But it was hard.
Harder than I let on.
Tears do not do it justice.

Innocent I took the vow.
Innocent I smiled at our plans
of future riches and happiness.

the vow being marriage. Innocent because I didn't understand that addiction would ruin the life we had planned

There never was that picket fence.
There never was satisfaction in what was had
tainted as it was by an addicts hand.

addiction being his alcoholism

Buried alive, trying so hard to be still.
I didn't move much in later years
knowing to fight circumstance would be futile.

buried because I still tried to have the happy life..hope. Not moving is metaphoric for trying not to rock the boat because I knew he wasn't going to change

Nothing was going to change.
I groveled and pleaded redemption
for my lack of making it better.

I was dealing with my own guilt for staying in the marriage so long that my children were affected by the behavior of their father

Not understanding then
just the want of better
gave strength for what was to come"

this is finding hope through strength

So you see, this has nothing to do with you again. Nothing in my life has anything to do with you now. Where I was blind I now see. Go away, leave me alone and stop using pip, my home, to get to me.

"too bad ignorance isn't painful"
~Unknown~

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