Slap of rain - pipTalk Forums

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inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

0 posted 2005-04-03 08:37 PM

How lovely
you cradle my window,

then slap at it harshly
with your song of redundance,
as you forget how to stop yourself,

and i'm hit with the sournotes
and your haunting reminder,
of my craving to feel him
as the rain beats ecstatic
to the rhythms of lovermaking,

but i drown in your overture
and feel the bite of deception,
knowing he's gone for now
and no longer has time for me.

Edited at the request of the author.

[This message has been edited by Denise (04-09-2005 12:52 PM).]

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

1 posted 2005-04-03 08:49 PM

That's some overture and sadly rendered.
Gotta wonder why we turned it up in the first place!

Hugs, sweet goldielocks~

Nightshade

Member Patricius

since 2001-08-31

Posts 13962
just out of reach

2 posted 2005-04-03 09:34 PM

Love this Michele!! hugs, Chris

"The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze."
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

bklynboy
Senior Member

since 2002-12-15

Posts 660
florida

3 posted 2005-04-05 05:44 PM

love the slap of rain

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2005-04-05 10:26 PM

I love this.

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-09-23

Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown

5 posted 2005-04-05 10:28 PM

Awwww, this is sad. I know how you feel.

choshi
Senior Member

since 2004-01-01

Posts 1184
New York

6 posted 2005-04-06 06:40 PM

I wonder, is it circumstance,
or a sudden change of heart?
Your visits have faded to naught
no different than the waning moon
behind passing clouds.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

7 posted 2005-04-06 11:09 PM

slap slap!
but in the ending, you have a pronoun change that bothers me

I am bothered by the strangest things!

inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

8 posted 2005-04-07 12:16 PM

and kacy youre very right, thanks.
i cant figure out how to get this across
its been bothering me too since i wrote it, the weaving of the rain and the man in the poem, and trying to keep it less convuluting...

Dark Stranger
Member Patricius

since 2001-03-19

Posts 13631
West Coast

9 posted 2005-04-07 08:30 AM

something about the sound
of flesh
being scolded
playfully rough
with the adoring whipspeak

of the rain

just sooths me sinful

enjoyed this inky

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

10 posted 2005-04-07 10:16 AM

nice read

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

11 posted 2005-04-07 01:48 PM

I can relate to this sadness

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