A Moment within Shatered Forever (could someone help me think of a better title?)

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Open Poetry #34

A Moment within Shatered Forever (could someone help me think of a better title?)

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-10-29 06:49 PM

a Moment within Shattered Forever

Flat and barren
reduced and uncaring
set ablaze matches of misconception
with in a suffocating glass box
lined with steel.
a monolithic montage
of images run through
a flooded overpass
of untold emotion
unrefined and raw
melting moreover to nothing
those wasted words
horribly hanus
uttered from a dejected mouth
fade to silence
as the sky becomes grayer
with in the day
underdone moon shadows
play word for word
across a tormented tongue
restrained within prophetic phrases
upon a neverending moment
in shattered time.

(title suggestions as well as comments will be appreciated.I hope you enjoy.)

nice use of muffin

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

1 posted 2004-10-29 07:54 PM

Enjoyed...how about "A Shattered Forever Moment"...James

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2004-10-29 10:32 PM

You painted some wonderful images in this piece. A restlessness and regret seem to carry the baseline, all set in a Michigan gray.

The title clouded doubt came to my mind...but the one you chose is just as appropriate...and far more significant.

TD

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

3 posted 2004-10-30 11:23 AM

think your title suits just fine

DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

4 posted 2004-10-30 05:28 PM

shattered time or wasted words for a suggested subject.

Don Juan

I have edited your words

Abuse me as you want for doing so.

It was meant to be constructive.

Dave

Flat and barren
reduced to uncaring
setting ablaze fires of misconception
of reflections
lined with steel.
montaging monolithic images
flooding overpasses
of untold unrefined raw emotion
melting wasted words to nothing
those wasted words
horribly hanus
uttered from a dejected mouth
fade to silence
as the sky becomes grayer
in the day
underdone by moon shadows
playing word for word
across a tormented tongue
restraining prophetic phrases
upon a neverending moment
in shattered time.

(title suggestions as well as comments will be appreciated.I hope you enjoy.)
nice use of muffin

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