night dance - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

0 posted 2004-10-07 01:20 PM

I will dance with you
your lotus blossom
in the dark
and-
breathe fragrant whispers
along your cheek
stirring soul sounds
beneath the shadows
of eventide

hear the moon sigh
at the sight of we two
stepping slowly
to the rhythm
of heart beats knowing
skin aglow
eyes lit as stars
shimmering possibilities
of marrow days

stand down
warrior man
let shield fall
bare your breast
and know the kiss
of the lotus blossom
in the still of night

s.a.t.

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

[This message has been edited by Susan (10-08-2004 02:35 PM).]

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius

since 2000-10-09

Posts 13989

1 posted 2004-10-07 01:46 PM

I was going to pick my favorite lines then I thought whoa...wait a minute here....

can't do it...
love the entire thing to much Susan,
just lovely writing here!

The greatest beauty on earth, is
found in the hearts of those
who love....

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

2 posted 2004-10-07 01:57 PM

Very sigh worthy.

"cast me gently into the morning, for the night has been unkind"
~Sarah McLachlan~

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2004-10-07 02:03 PM

Lovely lovely write Susan...much enjoyed.
Hugs~

~Autumn..the year's last, loveliest smile.~

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

4 posted 2004-10-07 03:11 PM

You are all most kind, my dear poet friends -thank you.

Hugs -

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

James_A_Fraser
Senior Member

since 2003-09-03

Posts 972
Out Making Anticlines

5 posted 2004-10-07 09:48 PM

I have a feeling that somehow it would be hopeless for anyone to try "cutting in" on this dance......

~~J

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

6 posted 2004-10-08 12:04 PM

lovely imagery....

lucky warrior man...

K

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2004-10-08 03:28 AM

beautiful...yes

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

8 posted 2004-10-08 03:36 AM

"stand down
warrior man
let shield fall
bare your breast
and know the kiss
of the lotus blossom
in the still of night"

Now that is romantic! Wow, Susan! *hugs* ...jo

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

9 posted 2004-10-08 03:48 AM

oh yes...it's very primal this.

Something in me wants to lick scars.

Must be that bitch in me huh?

I especially love the second stanza, but if I might offer for your consideration a change of ONE letter?

from--

"stepping slowly
to the sounds
of heart beats knowing"

to--

"stepping slowly
to the pounds
of heart beats knowing

that way you get the rhythmic feel of dancing close while avoiding the repetition of the "sounds" from the first verse?

I like to think just suggesting heart pounds makes it so...

and I normally don't do this sort of thing, but I love this part of your critique message:

"Also, if you have suggestions of how it could be made better, I'd appreciate the input. Thanks."

Me too lady, and feel free to do the same for me, I would much appreciate it.

Finally?

This reads gutteral and sexy...I could sense the friction of attraction if yanno what I mean.

Of course you do!

Hugs.

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-21

Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song

10 posted 2004-10-08 01:05 PM

Heck, I would even wear my best pair of boots to dance to this one.

Now that is some kinda night dance.

I espcially like the following lines
****************

"breathe fragrant whispers
along your cheek
stirring soul sounds
beneath the shadows
of eventide"
****************

That line makes me want to smell that fragrance.
****************

"let shield fall
bare your breast
and know the kiss
of the lotus blossom"
****************

That seals the want.

A very sensual ( softly so) read and one worth the ink for sure.

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

11 posted 2004-10-08 02:35 PM

Thank you all for you comments and the smiles they gift me. So kind.

Serenity - yes, you are right, it could use a bit of a tweak - I think I'll try rhythm and see how that feels - I so appreciate your input - hugs

It is because of you, my poet friends, that I feel encouraged. Your taking time to comment and let me know how the poem makes you feel, this is a great gift you give to me. Thank you from my heart -

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

EvocativeVerse2
Senior Member

since 2003-09-10

Posts 1279

12 posted 2004-10-08 10:03 PM

Hello Susan. This piece is a sigh. I love it. You have captured the moment with breath taking loveliness. Bravo! I am quite pleased to have had a chance to read this.

Remember, if you're not part of the future, you're history!

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

13 posted 2004-10-09 01:07 AM

Nice...James

Spiros Zafiris
Senior Member

since 2002-10-20

Posts 982
Canada

14 posted 2004-10-09 09:40 AM

..very sweet melodies..much enjoyed..

sp

-----------

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

15 posted 2004-10-09 10:50 AM

Thank you very kindly, my friends - hugs to you all -

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

16 posted 2004-10-09 12:48 PM

Moving in the rhythm of soul sounds...
I can relate.
Hugs,
TD

Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant

since 2000-01-29

Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia

17 posted 2004-10-10 06:17 AM

I love this!!! well written and enjoyed!
Roniece Dawson-Bruce

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

18 posted 2004-10-10 08:26 AM

Dear Susan, from one dancing soul to another ... I love your dance!

A refined invitation, holding a great amount of that irresistible driving force that is activated by attraction.

Very beautiful!

Love, Margherita

ctowen
Member Elite

since 2001-10-18

Posts 2286
Green Mountains of VT

19 posted 2004-10-10 08:48 AM

In a word .... "catchy"!

            Moving and captivating all at once.

                 Great dance!!

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

20 posted 2004-10-10 10:32 AM

Mmmmm - thank you sweet friends, you warm my heart - what a nice feeling-

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

21 posted 2004-10-10 10:45 AM

liked this much

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

22 posted 2004-10-10 07:39 PM

As expected... another great one, Susan. Your usage of words always puts me right inside the story you tell. Great job.

~~~***~~~Come away with me, Wendy. Come away to Neverland~~~***~~~

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

23 posted 2004-10-10 09:23 PM

Good,Good poetry....Applause!
Very much enjoy this style of language....

Excellent end stanza...
--------ice/ford
><>

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

24 posted 2004-10-10 10:11 PM

Thank you my friends - I am so pleased you enjoyed and I appreciate your comments.

Hugs - Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.