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Dark Poetry #1

Phoenix

Vampire'sMistress
Junior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 19

0 posted 2000-01-21 05:16 AM

in the silence a distraughted cry
she'd never felt a pain like this
but her mouth is quickly shut
by your warm and bloody kiss

you satisfy your darkest dreams
please tell me- are you feeling well?
touching her body with merciless hands
it's your pure lust to show her your hell

feeling the evil embracing her
warm tears running when she closes her eyes
but in her dream - she is a pheanix
so she spread her wings and flies

you've raped her, you've tried to break her
and to cast her shell aside
you have beaten her and mistreaten her
but after all you've tried
see
how she's dancing
and laughing
she's loving and hoping
and finally
living
!

I posted this one ( my real first Engl "Poem" )some time ago in the Open Poetry section and I would appreciate any comments how to make it better. I have the feeling that something is still missing.....
Anyone an idea?
Thx,

VM

armanca
Member

since 1999-07-07

Posts 211
Tennessee

1 posted 2000-01-21 01:27 PM

VM..I liked this one. I don't know that I would change anything. I found myself in that poem...and that's what it's all about. *smile*

Good work!!!

Carman

FreeByrd
Member

since 1999-11-03

Posts 267

2 posted 2000-01-21 04:28 PM

VM,

What a great piece about not letting yourself be beaten down. About coming back. About rising up out of the ashes of a situation inflicted upon you by some worthless a-hole.

You've got to live the dream though, in order to really become the Pheonix.

Best wishes to you and welcome to DP.

There must be some kinda way out of here... say the joker to the thief

There's to much confusion, I can't get no relief

- Hendrix

Vampire'sMistress
Junior Member

since 2000-01-20

Posts 19

3 posted 2000-01-22 08:43 AM

thanks to both of you.
freebird: i will do my best do live it.
CM,

VM

~our lifes are nothing but words written with a stick in water~

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