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I've forgotten the words
| Dark Poetry #1 |
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I've forgotten the words |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I had posted this in open poetry, and being fairly new here hadn't realized that the subject matter, belonged more here than there. In any case, i hope its in the right place. Hi there, just to give some background for this, i've been struggling with anorexia for the past few years, and wanted to try to explain the difficulty of the illness, how its so seductive and destructive. Anyway, thanks for reading. I've forgotten the words I've been feeding my delusions, depression, and negativity Keep adding pieces, more ingredients, like you would in a blender Until you press the button, the razor whirls and mushes your courage and will So that its all you've tasted for the past five years Complacency, boredom and terror I have forgotten what ice cream tastes like Same with steak, hamburgers, Mcdonalds' All the good food, that i'm too afraid to allow myself to taste Sure i eat it, but i don't really taste it I'm too afraid of what it means I used to nearly fall out of my chair with excitement Could barely contain my joy, and euphoria I used to run wildly, cry at songs, laugh at jokes Dish my creativity out as if it were halloween candy. When the fear came, the creativity started turning inwards Eating away at its own foundations Blocked by the fear of a child who thinks that if he lets it out He'll be scolded, criticised, maligned for it Broken in two So instead, the child breaks himself, pre-emptively Like a spy for the government who takes cyanide when he's found out His game has been revealed, and he feels he's on trial for it He has to pay for it, be punished for who he is. He thinks he has to be something else, He thinks he's wrong And the adult inside the child can't believe it He's dumbstruck, at his own duplicity against himself Why is he killing himself? There is nothing wrong with me, why do i think there is What made me, convince myself i was the enemy I've forgotten how to talk to people How to use the words that they use How to walk the walk How to be normal like everyone else But i want to love No, i do love I just won't admit it I can't admit Its too much to say Its too much to do Everything that you do Everything that you are Its too hard to keep up with you You are too strong, and too much for me to handle How was i ever born with you? And i want to scream and yell But its no use Because i can't hear myself I've deafened myself to the world I'm afraid of what i'll hear The world has become a concept An idea A vision Somewhere out there, over the rainbow Its not in front of my feet like it used to be Its an impenetrable dungeon of torture and restraint A child's nightmare on playback Rotating, over and over Like a skipped cd The song remains the same Same verse, same chorus, same bridge A song i've sang so many times That I've forgotten the words |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Thaddeus Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 78MA |
This is a very stunning portrait of a terrible, great difficulty. You express yourself powerfully, getting to the root of the experience. My guess is that with the understanding and acceptance you have, you are on your way to new growth. Best wishes and success. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
P. This is one of the most emotionally expressive poems I have read in a great while. It shows,equally, the contrast of vulnerability and harshness of a person in the direst of need. Perfect. J.L. We all go a little mad sometimes... --Alfred Hitchcock |
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Isis Member Ascendant
since 1999-09-06
Posts 6296Sunny Queensland |
God, such expressions and feelings in this piece. We are there with you and that is always quite an accomplishment. I am so sad you have to deal with this terrible disease all the time throughout each day of your life. I can't imagine a life like you describe and I hope no one else ever has to. Honey you have a way with words, you can communicate, you have or caqn make friends here in Passions, perhaps we can help you find your strength, I know myself, Michael and Sven would love to help or be a friend anytime. If you want to talk please email me hon. You don't have to be closed off, as for the eating.. it all changes one....step...at...a...time. (HUGS) At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet. (Plato) ~Isis~ (Daughter of Mystery) |
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danni Senior Member
since 1999-11-20
Posts 688wisconsin |
I can relate to this so very well. i have not had to wage this war myself but i struggled to help a dear friend who fought bulimia. It is an unpleasant thing to go through. And I don't think many people understand how difficult it is to go through. Usually it stems from something or many things so much deeper than the fear of weight. But give yourself credit. You see the problem and are willing to let it be known, and that is such a huge step. I hope that you can see it the rest of the way through. My prayers are with you. By the way, this was a wonderfully expressive piece. I think you have captured the essence of this problem well. |
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JennyLee Senior Member
since 1999-09-01
Posts 1461Northwestern, NJ. |
This is very poignant,and thought provoking. I have a neighbor who is anorexic and unable to admit it. So many issues to deal with,before a result and healing can begin. Thanks for posting this! Jenny Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,But it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual. |
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