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Open Poetry #32
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(need help with a title)
| Open Poetry #32 |
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(need help with a title) |
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UniqueFreak Member
since 2004-01-09
Posts 62Scotland 
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hey guys... alright im preparing myself for an butt kickin' here...but bring it on! lol. I dont know much about the technical aspects of poetry, i just tend to think about things n write them down without much more thought. ANyways let me know what u think. I was inspired by a night out i had last week with a friend of mine. Ya know when u go out n sometimes ya just feel like you aint good enough to be mixin with certain people etc?? well, hopefully you will be able to get what i was tryin to convey in the poem. Apologies in advance for the lack of 'skill' i just went for the meaning rather than correctness! Stephi _____________________________________________ We stand in line waiting to go in Pretend we’re sober, force a friendly grin Try and stand out, but try to blend in We go inside and don’t know where to begin. The music is loud, but I can still hear my thoughts Wondering if I look good enough, in these clothes that I bought You assure me I’m fine, my look is divine But really your ego is as tattered as mine. Your past is your present, your haunted by a few "(edited by Moderator)" from school, you thought you knew As you try to forget, take yourself away Your attempts are in vain in this midnight soiree. Girls stand poised, pompous in their disguise, Hoping the mascara hides the façade in eyes. They wait to be plucked, by some rich or famous guy They have a different mentality from you and I. And the guys, well, we know what they want Still we throw our [edit] in their hands and flaunt And For 3 and a half minutes we pretend that they understand But he opens his mouth and our hopes crash land. Because like the girls, it’s all just a front They’re on a sordid treasure hunt They try to take you home, by any means. Words are fake like the label on their jeans. Now I need a drink, so I knock back a few A few leads to 12, then I’m as loud as you We dance like no one’s watching, but hope that people are We imagine someone special is admiring from afar. If we were to be honest, then we’d know That Just like the girls, we put on a show. But not for others, but to preserve ourselves You love too easy; my heart’s on the shelf. So here we are, frayed and bemused Inside the club, the dance floor pursued. We throw ourselves into this hopeful salvation Giving in to our weekly temptation Really what we’re running from, is right here in this room The music, the drink, the musty perfume They can only mask our fears, till reality bites They can only hide our past if we face it tonight. You sing and dance, laugh so loud I hide behind a glass of wine; it’s my saviour, my shroud. Until the glass is empty, Then I’m just like you Not loud and funny, but Lost, Scared and Jaded too. Then we leave, with no money and no truth Still confused in our troubled youth The lights go off, the doors are closed The drinks wear off, now im exposed. As we walk away, from our hiding place We leave behind an empty space We hope to get home safe and sound But back where we hide, is where we are truely found. Like drawn curtains when the play is done We step back into the darkness, awaiting the sun. The show is over, there’s still no reprieve Its time to go home, but we can never leave Its time to become aware, of what lies ahead Not what was, but our future instead. We can dance the night away, but worries aren’t so easily spent And if we keep looking back, then we deserve the torment. Until we can get in - specs, big [edit] and all Then we make ourselves the victims, we make ourselves small And until we can leave happy, sore feet and pissed It’s one club we shouldn’t be members of, give it a miss. [This message has been edited by muted (06-30-2004 12:25 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Stephanie Hill - All Rights Reserved | |||
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Well, if that just pours out of you -- well, wow -- I thought this was a great write. Maybe, it's because I can so identify with it. You need a title......well, what about something like "drinking whole" (you know like a play on words or "drinking it in" or maybe .... well, never mind....but I really liked it and you should never feel you are not good enough to mingle with other people, never. |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
I agree with jo, you expressed yourself well. Thank heavens that scene is far behind. Just think, there's a whole life out there waiting to be made . . .  SusanHappiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"where we hide" Just a part of one line you wrote that might make an interesting title. Enjoyed this, though I sense a degree of emotional pain in this write. Hope you'll learn that drinking yourself into oblivion is not the way to find the 'Who of You.'  |
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UniqueFreak Member
since 2004-01-09
Posts 62Scotland |
hey thanx for the replies guys! I got to thinking about 'Club 16 to....' for a title..you ever heard of those holidays called 'Club 18-30'? well i thought i could twist it a little...the club being a metaphor for our mentalities, and '16 to...' being when it started and whenever our negative thought process will end?? that make any sense? :-\ I dont want to sound patronising here cuz quite frankly i have no right to be lol, but do you guys 'get' the poem, like, do u all know what im trying to say? Its just alot of my friends have read it n they all comin back with different meanings...just wondering what you have got from it? theres so many talented writers in here, i spend hours just reading stuff and i cant wait to learn from u all. Thanks again for your replies! Very much appreciated... Stephi x |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
I find that verse means many different things to many different people, depending upon their perspective and background. Thus, as a poet, for a reader to experience a emotion in response to a post is a compliment, but in truth, it may not always be the response we intended. That is the magic of verse, touching others and in some means shifting the boundries of the thoughts of their minds. Just thought I'd reply Susan Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind. |
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UniqueFreak Member
since 2004-01-09
Posts 62Scotland |
yeah i understand that, that is one of the many reasons i write. I want to touch people in some way but i realise that it wont always be in the way i intend. But i realise that theres a few lines in there about alcohol which could be misconstrued. just wanted to get a hint of what people took from it thanks for your reply! stephi |
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