Weight of the World - RP - Changed and shortened. Please read - "Worn Thin"

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Kevo
Member

since 2004-06-02

Posts 466
Navarro County, Texas, USA

0 posted 2004-06-20 06:11 PM

I realized after posting my original "Weight of the Free World" that it was unecessarily epic in length. I read, and read, and read. Finally, it hit me. It was broken. There were three areas that seemed to fall off and begin again. I had written four poems. So, with that in mind I would like to share the revised poems with you. Hopefully, much shorter, you can enjoy them much more than before...or hate them. The poems borne of the epic are called, "Worn Thin", "Weight of the World" (much shorter), "Scars", and "Authors of the Free World". They are each tributes to WWII veterans. Please let me know if you appreciate the change I made...if I made the right decision or should've left well enough alone. Thanks for the time it took to read this. Warm regards to all who see this post.

Kevin

Worn Thin

Reverent friend worn thin
in timed procession of life,
fragile smile christens
weathered lips and worn jaw.

Callused hands hold on tightly
to the second hand of obstinance,
Trying to slow the fervent tick
of that unruly clock.

The atlas has been found
in the palm of your hand.
The map of successes and failures
is well drawn here.

You have seen more
than one should of the latter.
Yet, still your lips part,
however fragile,
in youth's resistant smile.
Yet, innocence void still.

You have overcome all odds,
Your blood spilt,
Sacrificed for
the sovereignty of all.

You have buried
sons and daughters,
husbands and wives,
mothers and fathers,
brothers and sisters,
and those you cradled
amidst those desperate fields.

Your eyes speak louder than words
of times distant yet never forgotten
to lamenting masses born long after
your stars fell from on high.

Copyright, Kevin V. Reese, 2004

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

1 posted 2004-06-20 07:44 PM

"The atlas has been found
in the palm of your hand.
The map of successes and failures
is well drawn here."

These are a banquet of thoughts and of all to feast, this shimmered most brilliantly.

Your poetry has infinite heart Kevin.
TD

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

2 posted 2004-06-20 11:41 PM

Yes, your poetry and your comments on the poetry of others have wonderful heart!

This is a favorite stanza for me:

Callused hands hold on tightly
                        to the second hand of obstinance,
                        Trying to slow the fervent tick
                        of that unruly clock.

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

Sadelite
Member Elite

since 2003-10-11

Posts 2519

3 posted 2004-06-21 12:04 PM

Kevo,
I read both poems, but can't put a handle on what to say. Yes, I like that you shortened it, but there were still some verses in the other poem that I liked because they helped fortify this one and lend to a smooth transition. I'm by no means an expert, just a novice, so don't play particularly close attention to what I say! (You're always so generous to comment on others' work, I tried to give input, but again, who am I to say?)
Sadelite

Kevo
Member

since 2004-06-02

Posts 466
Navarro County, Texas, USA

4 posted 2004-06-21 02:16 AM

Sadelite,

I didn't take anything away from it. The verses you speak of are contained in the other poems I listed at the top of the post. I felt that together it was broken. I felt like I actually had four different poems. However, I value your opinion. If I hear more of the same I will return it to its original form and call it a mistake on my part to change it. Your reply is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for in this post. I respect and appreciate it greatly.

Your poetic friend,

Kevin

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

5 posted 2004-06-21 03:45 AM

Kevin, usually people don't like lengthy posts...too much work...too much information at one time I guess...

I'm glad you made the change

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