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Open Poetry #32
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Retirement ....This is for a co-worker
| Open Poetry #32 |
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Retirement ....This is for a co-worker |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL 
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If anyone has a idea how this could be better...please feel free to let me know. I am not one to post poetry like an avalanche, but tomorrow is a co-worker's party and I need this done!!! Oh....the co-worker is a she. Retirement Returning ships on homeward sails to harbored safety in dry dock moorings; bare crusty hulls barnacled below saltwater markings count fathoms cold depth where other vessels sprawl with sailor’s bones in pickled brine from tears of loved one’s hopes accepted to the timbered hold as cargo precious in this anchored craft coved where time is mere acquaintance and clocks point the way to tomorrow. --------------------------------------------------- Here is what she gets..... Retirement Returning ship on homeward sails to harbored safety in dry dock moorings; bare crusty hulls barnacled below saltwater markings, count the fathom’s cold depth where other vessels sprawl among sailor’s bones in pickled brine from tears of loved one’s hopes accepted to the timbered hold as cargo precious in this anchored craft coved where time is mere acquaintance while clocks point the way Like Dylan Thamas said: "if I went on revising everything that I now do not like.....I should be so busy that I would have no time to try to write new poems." Robert [This message has been edited by RobertB (05-26-2004 07:25 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 RobertB - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wandering glider Senior Member
since 2001-04-04
Posts 501aloft |
suggestions: Returning ship, instead of ships, if you are referring to her as a ship? Saltwater markings count the fathoms she has sailed . . . The last line is unnecessary. Obvious. It is implied by the previous line. Read it without the last line and where does it lead you? Leave it for the reader to take the last step. As a reader, or listener, I find it much more satisfying to be given the priveledge to "complete the sentence", as it were. glider |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
I really like this, Robert, and think that she will too. It's really nice of you to write a poem for your co-worker. I think she will appreciate it very much.  Hugs,  |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
You are absolutely right, glider. The last line has to go. I felt it and others of mine sound "off", and that's because I try to tell the reader where to go. I am too bossy. |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
A word from the uneducated, writes from the hip kind of girl, I like it as it is. I really enjoy your work. Smiles -- Susan The whole of the Universe resides within each individual heart. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
a lucky lady  |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
Robert, I felt this to be a wonderful write... you have a way with words and I am sure your co-worker will enjoy this every bit as much as we did! Take care, Amy  "When life gives you sorrow, may you experience the spirit of laughter" |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Thank you very much Amy. I gave it to her Thursday morning and she loved it. Today is her party and I am in another town today and won't be there. I woke up at 3 am this morning agonizing over this poem that it wasn't good enough. I lay there and determined that I would get up at 5 and rewrite it and then fax it to her so that so that she could explain to everyone why the first poem was so terrible. I actually got up at 4 am and sat down to rewrite it, but looked at it and thought, "How in the world can I do any better? I am not a good poet and know nothing at all of composing verse, free or unfree!!!!!!" So, after being very cruel to myself swearing never to write anything ever again, I thought, "Who cares?" Robert |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
very nice |
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GlisteningRain Member
since 2004-05-06
Posts 103The clouds |
I don't understand it. Then again..I'm just a boy. |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
GR, I liked her to a ship returning to port.. a safe cove after many years at sea. (working) I thought too, that maybe I meant that her years of emplyment were like a ship coming home to dry dock. Robert |
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