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Snowflake From Hell
Senior Member

since 2003-07-10

Posts 777
My own little Icey Oblivion

0 posted 2004-01-25 08:22 PM

I wish you knew how I feel,
All my words you steal.
Shortness of breath when I hear your voice,
So happy you made me your choice.
Longing with tear drops coming down,
Without you in these tears I'll drown.
Emptiness without you,
Please tell me what to do.
Hold you close to me my Dear,
But feel you nowhere near.
Listen for the phone to ring,
Like a child with his favorite play thing.
Tell you I love you and mean it with all my heart,
Always will and have from the very start.
Wishing I could be where you are,
Away too far I feel.
On my knees in the moonlight,
Praying you'll keep me in close sight.
Without you I'll die inside,
Without you emotions will hide.
Without you...
I'm not me.

Can you hear my cries, can you hear my pleads, will you watch me burn...or would you bleed for me?

Amara
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 158
East of the moon, west of the sun.

1 posted 2004-01-25 09:19 PM

Typical love poem, eh? We all fall victim to those.

The wording is a bit forced in some places in order to keep to the rhyme scheme...

"Without you in these tears I'll drown", for example. Personally, I think flow should never be sacrificed for rhyme. It takes awhile, but if you word it perfectly, so that it flows and the metre's correct, it's worth it. So, perhaps try some rearranging?

Otherwise, lovely.

Light keep you always,
Amara

To see something as an end is to mourn for it; to see it as a beginning is to have hope.

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.