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Open Poetry #31
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Train
| Open Poetry #31 |
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Train |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Feel the click, and the clack as it rolls down the track, the vibration of steel of its' numerous wheels. Untold tons of its weight having rolled from a gate, from a far distant place 'crost the continents' space. Rolling thunder that steamed on hard labor and dreams, that the coasts would unite streaming wonderous sights. Where the rails did connect more than one could expect, all the grandeur of this one great nature we miss. As we toil for the bucks which mean nothing at all, watching dreams of our fore-fathers' crumble and fall. [This message has been edited by Dr.Moose1 (03-13-2004 08:56 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 William E.Kleist - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I like it, Doc - You've got a very important message neatly wrapped into some great imagery here... Nicely done, Sir...  |
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Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
It was wonderful Juju |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I typically don't comment on rhyming poetry, but this one caught my eye. I think it could be very much improved if you standardize the number of syllables in each line to enhance the musicality of the form. Good start. |
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Opoetry4me Member
since 2002-10-11
Posts 126Dixon, Ky USA |
I like this one too. Nicely done.  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Nan, Thanks for the relocation, and reply. As I said, this staterd out to be something else but, got away from me. I guess you could call it a "runaway" train. Doc Juju, Thanks, glad you liked. Doc eminor_angel, The form relies more on meter than syllable count( anapestic trimeter ).If I've done it right,it should read o.k. as is. Thanks for replying. Doc Opoetry4me, Thanks much, glad you liked. Doc |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
it reads well |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
It is sooo good to see that our good Doctor is back with us! Keep on trekkin' down these tracks!  Love & Light, EA |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Stepping in with my "critique" hat on here... Since this piece became a poetic runaway, it can't well conform to a meter that would emulate the sound of a train on the tracks. Besides - it's in pretty standard anapestic dimeter as it stands... How could a Moose consider rewriting it? He'd have to start back at the station, methinks...  |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
As we toil for the bucks which mean nothing at all, watching dreams of our fore-fathers' crumble and fall. I think you got this right. A melancholic write .... very well written. In these days "train" makes me think of "Spain", where many have forever lost the possibility to realize their own dreams. Love, Margherita |
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aujussy wolf
since 2003-08-09
Posts 1215Michigan |
trains oh baby , what a creation someday we will use them again ..lol liked this one ....... |
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PassionatelyRomantic Member
since 2004-01-24
Posts 190 |
simply wonderful! |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
passing shadows, Thanks, glad you liked. Doc EA, Thank you , and good to hear from you too! Doc Nan, How could I have messed this one up? Of course you're right ( anapestic dimeter ) when will I ever learn?!!! Three syllables per foot, two feet per line, 3rd syllable accented. Once again thanks for setting me back on "track".Doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Margherita, Thanks, I'm glad you took the time to reply. There is something unrelenting about the force of a locomotive. Once such a thing is set in motion, it is not easily stopped. This was what I was trying to capture. Thanks again. Doc aujussy wolf, Indeed, "what a creation". A juggernaut. Don't take me the wrong way, I'm a bit of a train romantic myself. What I was referring to here had little to do with trains and everything to do with things being out of control. Thanks for the reply. Doc PassionatelyRomantic, Thank you much. Doc |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Doc, may I just say... Thanks? |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Sunshine, Only if I may just say ...ditto,and you're welcome! Doc |
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