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Open Poetry #31

I don't love him

lil' Angel
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 116

0 posted 2004-03-11 10:58 PM

Ok there are two versions to this poem. I'm not sure which one I like best, so i'll just post them both and you tell me what you think. It's not a big change it might make all the difference.

I don't love him
Then why do I feel like this?
Why do I feel this way about him?
He's nothing more than a friend to me
My head's telling me one thing
And my heart another
I know He doesn't love me
So why does my heart tell me that he does?
Why do I fel this way about him?
Why does my mind tell me the truth
And my heart decieve me?
Maybe I really do love him
And I don't want to admit it, So I won't get hurt

I don't love you
Then why do I feel like this?
Why do I feel this way about you?
Your nothing more than a friend to me
My head's telling me one thing
And my heart another
I know you don't love me
So why does my heart tell me that you do?
Why do I fel this way about you?
Why does my mind tell me the truth
And my heart decieve me?
Maybe I really do love you
And I don't want to admit it, So I won't get hurt

DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

1 posted 2004-03-11 11:31 PM

The words yes

the meaning I wouldn't comment on

Like it very much

dave

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-03-12 11:57 AM

Try doing a rewrite using a combination of similes, metaphors and imagery instead of cliched statements. LOL.

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

3 posted 2004-03-12 12:01 PM

The more personal a poem is, the more power it has. So 'you' is better than 'him'. It will bring the reader in stronger. I vote for the second one.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Insomniac Cat
Member

since 2003-09-23

Posts 69
The Land of the Dadaists

4 posted 2004-03-12 01:19 PM

I liked the repetition of the stanza...that stood out in my mind.

"I am the hobbyhorse. I am the stapler in the mud, the toad in your brain."

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