A Sparkle of Darkness(Not the real titles)

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HeroicVillan
Junior Member

since 2002-11-09

Posts 34
Lost.....

0 posted 2004-03-08 02:00 PM

This is a repost from a few years ago, but edited and lengthened a little, hope you all enjoy it.

this is the original,
Sparkle,

Shining bright,
the little light.
A simple tear,
a raging fear.
Pull me down,
take up my crown.
A glint of gold,
a future unfolds.

And the revision, so to speak, though it seems more like a new poem, given the new emotins in it,
Darkness Shining Through

Shining bright,
the little light.
The bit of hope,
my saftey rope.
When hope subsides to fear,
show not a single a single tear.
But they come to tear me down,
to toss away my crown.
And in it's golden cascade,
a hopeless future's unmade.
Through it's glare i see,
A world devoid me.....

Each of us is the sum of our scars...

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-03-08 04:52 PM

i liked all of it but the last two lines. the rest was smooth and interesting. it was brief, but to the point.

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

2 posted 2004-03-09 09:26 PM

"a hopeless future's unmade."

This line is AWESOME! Great work. I like both the old and new version of this piece, more the new than the old. Both are great! Good work! ~Jess

Kiss, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for bliss.

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

3 posted 2004-03-13 11:24 AM

I'll have to go opposite of Young Blood, the last two lines were my favorite. Nice job.

"And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by. Cause I still love you."~ Blindside

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

4 posted 2004-03-14 12:33 PM

I like this. I like the first part more than the ending, but it was still good.

~Vampire Kisses

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

5 posted 2004-03-15 05:43 AM

i like both of them. but i don't like the idea of revisions on things that have been written because they seem to lose the passion of the writter, but i somtimes rewrite them as a different poem. so i have to say the i like both of the poems the seconed one the moast and the last two lines are what i think ends the peom and brings it all together!.........keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

6 posted 2004-03-23 09:35 PM

I'd have to agree with Spine Grinder and Deep_Inside. The last to lines were definitely the best part.

Great Job!

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