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Teen Poetry #7

Precious memories.

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

0 posted 2004-02-19 04:46 PM

Photographs, memories fill my head.
Watching the sunset till it's "time for bed".
Picnics at seasides, playing in sand,
Those snowball fights with freezing cold hands.

The smell of mothballs and perfume and dust.
The colour of lollipops, paper and rust.
On hot summer days we'd play hide and seek.
We'd watch the days float past week after week.

I'll always remember that day when we met,
You tipped that bucket all over my head.
I didn't mind, but I got you back.
You just smiled and hugged me. I hugged back.

Those were the days when things went well.
Adventures to play and stories to tell.
Laughing and screaming. We ran free in the park.
The marshmallows and campfires for after the dark.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

1 posted 2004-02-19 05:27 PM

"Those were the days when things went well.
Adventures to play and stories to tell."

I like this part the best. It really stood out to me.
It makes me wish i was still a little kid!

~Vampire Kisses

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

2 posted 2004-02-19 06:04 PM

I didn't know whether it sounded wrong to use the word 'back' twice in the third stanza. :S

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

3 posted 2004-02-21 02:52 PM

The best thing I've seen of yours, I think.

Have you thought of adding another stanza or two? It seems to need... conclusion.

Nice job.

-Lioness

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

4 posted 2004-02-21 06:09 PM

I really like it. Nothing fancy, but that's why its good. It's about childhood, written in almost a childlike style.

But it definetly needs a conclusion. Something else needs to be said. Do you miss those times? Are you happy now? Is that child-like innocence a good thing?

I think you need to touch on one of those things, or just something in 1 or 2 more stanzas.

It's a great start though

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