Please read this new poem and help me think of a title.

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Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

0 posted 2004-02-04 12:14 PM

Wherever you go
Think of tomorrow’s sky
Take a memory
Take a smile
Hold a priceless thought between your fingers,
Make a wish

When I hear the distant cries
In the coffin of my crushed mind
And I can’t silence
The non-existent thoughts, I think
Of things I’ve seen through sleepless dreams.
Make a wish

If I see your face,
Pale yet dark,
I block out the cold indifferent stare
I keep your smile,
Hold the priceless thought between my fingers,
Make a wish

As I crawl below the surface
Subdued, waiting,
I try to forget the cold
Remember the warmth I gave but never got
Bitter but sweet, sharp yet soft
Make a wish

Can I hold this moment,
Turn the fire to ice,
Keep your gaze for countless days
Touch your heart and make it glow,
Hold that priceless thought between my fingers,
Make a wish… come true.

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

1 posted 2004-02-04 06:06 PM

This is beautiful and is going straight into my library! Just call it "Make a wish" until something better pops into your mind. I love this poem, thanks for sharing.

Liz x

"Time has told me not to ask for more, one day our ocean will find its shore" ~Nick Drake

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

2 posted 2004-02-09 03:53 PM

Hmm.. this has a truly beautiful depth to it. It got sort of confusing at times, though, it seemed like even though it had the reoccuring theme, it didn't flow too well within the poem. I think with a little more clarification, this would be perfect. This is a terrific write, certainly one for the library! Thanks for sharing.

"Be the Change you wish to see in the world" -Ghandi

chicken
Junior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 44

3 posted 2004-02-10 02:51 PM

if it were me i think "make a wish" is a littl eobvious iwas thinking along the lines of "you" or the way i feel or summat liek tha! sorryif i wasnt any help!

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

4 posted 2004-02-10 03:25 PM

I guess I did use the recurring theme to try to cover up the bad rhythm and flow in the poem; I thought it would work, but obviously you have seen through my plan, you clever people!

I might call this "make a wish" for now. As the author, though, I maybe think it's my job to try come up with a name for it. Which I will do later on.

Thanks guys. x

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

5 posted 2004-02-10 08:05 PM

maybe "blue skies of tomorrow" of "tomorrow's wish"

Strider612
Junior Member

since 2003-12-21

Posts 46
Alabama, United States of America

6 posted 2004-02-11 07:46 PM

Well, it's a hauntingly pretty poem, and I do have a comment or two about it, I suppose.

I don't know why "Make a Wish" doesn't work for a title, but maybe that's just me. I think it would suffice well enough, and I can't think of anything else within the poem itself that would be a good title. Also, I would like to say that you seem to shift after the first stanza and start on a different line of thought. It was a little confusing/odd to me. Anyway, I hope that helps. For the most part it creates a nice effect.

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