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Paragon
Member

since 2003-02-16

Posts 114

0 posted 2004-02-02 12:26 PM

Foreword: I'm back from a long vacation from piptalk. I hope everyone enjoys my works yada yada I've got a couple dozen poems you guys haven't seen so slowly I'll work them in as I post comments and responses.

Shattered realities clouding these eyes
sifting the truth from the lies
attempting to find peace through war
wondering what the hell this life is for
searching for love in all the wrong places
struggling in the chaos seeking stasis
constantly falling tumbling down
just one breath short of being drowned
scared to move, but too dumb not to
so I guess I'll write this poem for you
a lingering glimpse of what could be
replays over and over and it's killing me
I know you know this doesn't change a thing
a sad fact about which my songs sing
the irony is inherent to the problem
I have these feelings and no way to solve them

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

1 posted 2004-02-02 10:43 AM

Wecome back! I really enjoyed this. The rhyme scheme was good. There are a lot of poems with rhyme schemes that sound fake or forced, but this one was good.Thanks for the read.
Jen

Whoever said "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" obviously never loved.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

2 posted 2004-02-02 03:47 PM

I really like this one. I agree with Jen about the ryhming. I think my favorite line was, "Just one breath short of being drowned."
Excellent job, thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

3 posted 2004-02-03 10:09 PM

Yup yup yup! I agree. It is kool. I like this. It doesnt sound fake or forced at all
! I hope to hear more!
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

chicken
Junior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 44

4 posted 2004-02-05 12:47 PM

nice to read a poem with a rhyme scheme once in a while!
great
Emma

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

5 posted 2004-02-05 03:43 PM

Thanks for sharing this, Paragon, I really enjoyed it. It is a well written poems with only a few points you might consider working on. Here are my thoughts, see what you think.

the second line seems a bit out of place in the flow.. maybe its too short?

changing
"replays over and over and it's killing me"
to something like
"replays again and its killing me"

changing the "dumb" in
"scared to move, but too dumb not to"
to "stupid" (flow again)

Well, its a great poem just as it is, but those are the things that crossed my mind as I read it. Keep it up!
~alicia

Olive_8
Junior Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 41
Canada

6 posted 2004-02-05 09:13 PM

I am pretty sure that this was one of the best poems that i have ever read, well done! This for sure is going in my library. I am not too sure why but my favorite lines were
"attempting to find peace through war
wondering what the hell this life is for"
for some reason those lines just stood out, i loved this poem, keep up the good work!

**There is no such thing as a promise!!**

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

7 posted 2004-02-05 09:48 PM

it was good. it had too many ideas in it for the length though. well written and smooth flowing. good write.

NightFall
Member

since 2004-01-28

Posts 88
The land known as England

8 posted 2004-02-06 08:00 AM

I really enjoyes this. its well written and rhymes well.
good job keep up the work.
C.J

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