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Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

0 posted 2004-01-28 09:25 PM

Seven hundred thousand shards
Of a lovely perfect life
Broken on a doctor’s table
Underneath a lamp and knife
Cut away the ugliness
And throw it in a tray,
Leave behind more ugliness
And watch her grin away
Behind her little porcelain mask
Of delicates and steel
No one really cares about
How the scars’ll heal
Or what her friends and family think
About her little act
No one really gave a damn
Until the porcelain cracked
And showed each and every one of them
The broken doll beneath
With her ugly grey-brown hair
And her perfect crooked teeth.
Their petty little shallow minds
Couldn’t take the stress
By God, they’d have their princess back
In her little porcelain dress.
Throw her on the table
And pump her full of meds
At least it’s better than the crap
That’s pumping through these thoroughbreds.
Sharpen up the doctor’s knife
And plunge it underneath the skin
Cut away the ugly fat
Who cares about the pain she’s in,
It’s all for a perfect cause,
Who cares if she hurts too much to sleep,
At least she’s pretty while she weeps.

--------------
It's a story of sorts...a bit of a musing on vanity and the modern obsession with looks. I don't like it. It flows funny, and generally feels...off. The poem, I mean.

Anyway, give your comments if you feel like it. I don't expect much on this crud.

-Adam

Your life was lost; sweetheart I grieve for you
Sweetheart, I wish there was something I could do
But sweetheart, there's no hope for you

greco
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 85
buffalo ny

1 posted 2004-01-28 10:07 PM

wow i liked this very good i loved the way you tied the doll into a human event very good i loved it

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

2 posted 2004-01-29 05:03 PM

I dont understnd why you dont like it! It was wonderful. I loved the way you wrote it, it was very unique, and i would love to write something like this. Its not at all straightforwad like most of mine, or atleast i have been told. Like i said, i loved it!!
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

3 posted 2004-01-29 06:04 PM

I'm a pessemistic overly-critical writer. It's a habit. I guess it's not that bad. Just not as good as I'd like it. Glad you found it enjoyable.

-Adam

Your life was lost; sweetheart I grieve for you
Sweetheart, I wish there was something I could do
But sweetheart, there's no hope for you

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

4 posted 2004-01-30 01:33 AM

This is a great and complex read! Good job!

Life is a moderately good play w/ a badly written thrid act. - Unknown

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

5 posted 2004-01-30 06:55 AM

I liked this, I, too, recently wrote something called Porcelain, but it wasn't a poem, or anything like this at all lol, yeah..I just thought that was weird...Dunno why...But er..anyways, good write.

greco
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 85
buffalo ny

6 posted 2004-02-01 12:23 PM

I dont understnd why you dont like it! It was wonderful. I loved the way you wrote it, it was very unique, and i would love to write something like this. Its not at all straightforwad like most of mine, or atleast i have been told. Like i said, i loved it!!
~kissa~

where you talking to me because i said i loved it

dont know

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

7 posted 2004-02-01 12:25 PM

Kissa's comment about "I don't understand why you don't like it." was directed at me, Greco. I mentioned in the little blurb just beneath the poem that I didn't like it, for reasons also outlined there.

-Adam

Your life was lost; sweetheart I grieve for you
Sweetheart, I wish there was something I could do
But sweetheart, there's no hope for you

greco
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 85
buffalo ny

8 posted 2004-02-01 11:06 AM

o ok thanks wasnt sure because it was under my name
so ok thanks

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

9 posted 2004-02-01 05:21 PM

Wow, Adam, its been a while, hasn't it? I like this, although its not the best I've seen from you. I hope to see more of both you and your work in times to come.
Love
Alicia

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