Girl, You Swim With The Angels In Hell

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Teen Poetry #7

Girl, You Swim With The Angels In Hell

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-08-20 04:36 PM

Girl, You Swim With The Angels In Hell

oh sky, let your face be streaked
with the sweat of a million fearful children,
pulling slowly at the lines drawn on the concrete
(they may break your mother's back).
the iink wells pucker as though you whisper kisses
from the other side of happiness.
you color a sad smile upon the sun
and hide it for a day when people are joyful.
soak my face so i can see what stress has gifted me with,
endless lines that inspire a chorus of thunder (over the drumming in my ears).
stop causing the fish to bite and i'll pull in the lure,
show the cure to the cheshire cat's devilish purr.
i've saved this last thought for an unknowing cloud,
a barrier to God's eyes and insincere prayers (the most emotional lies).
clear your vision and wipe away the tight lipped gray
that makes a funeral so appropriate, but you can't decide.

I really gotta hand it to you,
You have the best timing at ruining any smile.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

1 posted 2004-08-20 11:02 PM

to be honest with you, I think you get a little too wordy at times, and it detracts from what ever you are trying to get across...you know what I mean? But I was in love with your last line. I think you should be more blunt, it suits you well.

[This message has been edited by Lexy (08-21-2004 08:10 PM).]

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-08-22 11:12 PM

uh...ok
the straight forward stuff is what i hate. thanks for the comment lexy.

IndigoEve
Member

since 2003-01-10

Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time

3 posted 2004-08-23 10:44 AM

Too wordy?

Does such an absurd concept even exist?

From one loquacious person to another,
this is adulated by me.

oh sky, let your face be streaked
with the sweat of a million fearful children,

Good beginning, by the way.

If I were to touch you, would you bleed a velvet river, running miracles through the sodden ground? --Moi

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-08-23 11:42 AM

thank you indigo eve. i'm glad you enjoyed this

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