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Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2004-01-23 01:13 PM

do you realize you
have the most beautiful face?
That is why I must hold it
all the time, and touch it
all the time, and kiss it
most of the time, just sitting
there, touching your face,
and thinking that
the greatest thing you'll
ever learn is just ot love
and be loved in return.
And I hope you can learn to
love me, and learn that I am
capable of being loved, I
just need the right person.
Eventually, I will make you
watch chick flicks as you
hold me on the couch and
we laugh at all the wrong times
in an attempt to break the
already broken ice that we
somehow haven't noticed
has melted into a puddle
that we are wading in.

Together.

And I will smile at you
at all the wrong times
and you will laugh at how
I always say I don't know
whenever I am nervous
and we will talk endlessly
about nothing, and occasionally
we will kiss and not notice
that there are a billion and twelve
people standing in a circle
around us because we are too
wrapped up in each other to notice.
My butterflies have transformed
into bats, with cardboard wings
and they beat around inside
my shappy stomach, waiting
for a time when everything will be
comfortable, a time which I hope
will never come, because the thing
I love the most right now is how
nervous you always seem to make me.

Actually-
I take that back, I love the way
you look at me more.

chicken
Junior Member

since 2003-07-27

Posts 44

1 posted 2004-01-24 08:11 AM

i love this poem great write!

Kosetsu
Member

since 2001-03-10

Posts 450
Alabama, USA

2 posted 2004-01-26 12:59 PM

Very nice, Allysa. I loved the original descriptions. The line about butterflies turning into bats with cardboard wings intrigued me.

This kinda brings back some memories. Old girlfriends. Heh. But that's stuff for another poem.

-Adam

Your life was lost; sweetheart I grieve for you
Sweetheart, I wish there was something I could do
But sweetheart, there's no hope for you

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

3 posted 2004-01-26 01:35 AM

Great piece

Wonderful work as always!

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-01-26 10:00 AM

the butterflies line was the best and strongest line in there. i can't say that i like this as a whole much. There wasn't any rhyming to it and the whole flow was just...meh.most parts were really straight forward too. like i said, i liked that one line but not much else.
-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

5 posted 2004-01-26 07:27 PM

Thanks everyone, for the comments.

Young_blood: thanks for the critcism. However, I must ask, does everything have to have a rhyme scheme? I believe that for the content of the poem, the flow fits perfectly with the shy-young-scared-girl image. I'm glad you enjoyed the line about the butterflies, it's actually my favorite line as well, and it's something I said about my current love interest once, so it was only natural to incorporate it into this piece (which is for him). Thanks for your comments.

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