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Teen Poetry #7

detrot for him

EverRuss
Member

since 2003-12-31

Posts 66
Indiana

0 posted 2004-01-19 03:03 PM

The cold pulls in my jacket
Starting the truck
Warming the heater, rubbing of hands
Walking into the house, Grab the mug
I go, Before i sneak a kiss, for my sleeping beauty
Lonely dark street i pull into suburbia
Watch as the head light pulls into work
Squared sellling ground, others will be here soon
Sun escapes the buildings, seeps into my eyes
The hordes enter, no longer mindless some are
Engaged in conversation we go, lear of their life
To the house we deliver i take my attentive son
I watch as his eyes scan and learn
A love so deep its piercing
pride jolts through me, My son
I dont want his life mine
Tho he will respect it, this i do not know
I return, there he is my oldest
He is a man now, in my footsteps he is
Lunch draws us near, Ration our food we must
Returning to the square, everyone is gone
Returning home i count the bills
Only for another day
But I love her
Everyday
It cant be bills for another day
Only for another day

Dont you lock up things that you wanted to see fly, hands are for shaking not tying....Soundgarden

Russell

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-01-19 07:02 PM

hmmm...pretty good. i like it alot better than most of the stuff that i read on here. i wanna read some more. keep posting
-alex

ascending_ecstasy
Member

since 2004-01-21

Posts 102

2 posted 2004-01-22 01:54 AM

well i'm liking it. it had good imagery at the start, maybe you should keep that going throughout the poem. Once again, forget structure.

EverRuss
Member

since 2003-12-31

Posts 66
Indiana

3 posted 2004-01-22 03:13 PM

Hey Im just going to say a little about structure. If you think this poem forgot structure you did not understand it, you were obviosly too blind to look close enough. Its a memory, memories dont know bounds

If my poems could talk they would mean more than the words

Russell

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