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rose
Member

since 2003-08-02

Posts 53

0 posted 2004-01-09 03:52 PM

Shadowy, shadowy.
Life’s dream-clouds catch at my hands;
Its mists catch in my hair
and leave little beads of dew.

Touch me, touch me.
I am not afraid
To absorb your colors,
to breathe in the frigid air.

Crazy, crazy.
Where is the world beneath my feet?
What is this that I am living?
Do they call this life?

Vibrancy, vibrancy.
That is what I want.
Where has mine gone?
Picking up all the scattered little shreds—that I am not sure I can do.

Ecstasy, ecstacy.
My new freedom wraps me in its joyous cloak.
I do not hide;
I am not afraid.

muchos
Member

since 2003-11-29

Posts 102

1 posted 2004-01-09 06:58 PM

i like this poem and it has a good message. the only thing i wasnt sure about was the virbrancy, vibrancy, etc. the repetitiveness. it takes a little away from your poem. your message was out there, and i think it would have been stronger if you used each word once. thats my opinion. good work none the less
keep it up

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

2 posted 2004-01-10 04:26 PM

I agree with muchos...it is a very good poem in itself..the repitition of the first word i dont feel is needed but thats just me...you may have felt that you get the point out there stronger by duplicating it and then you should let it be. Keep it up!!

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own

xEmperorEmber
Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 136
tx

3 posted 2004-01-11 08:28 PM

here i lay, still and breathless...
just like always
but still i want some more..
mirror sideways
who cares whats behind
just like always...
still your passanger....
(reminded me of maynard and chino)

GOOD WRITE... im going to use the word mist more for now on.. i love words... i like the words you used, and the mood and effect it created.

keep it up... cause its magical...

i want a top hat?

Paublo Escabar
International Jewel Thief

rose
Member

since 2003-08-02

Posts 53

4 posted 2004-01-12 07:10 PM

thanks everybody for your replies...i really appreciate them. i don't know, i kind of like the repetition of the first word...i think if it was just one word it wouldnt have as much emphasis, and because that word sets the tone for the stanza, emphasis is key. but anyway, thats just my opinion; i see all your points as well. thanks again!!

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