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Teen Poetry #7
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dark pursuit
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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dark pursuit |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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dark pursuit walking from he that is stalking my footsteps, im starting to run, faster and faster quisker, run quicker, swifter, he's just so much swifter i can feel his heart beating in my chest harder. stumbling down, crumbling to the ground, thanking my fatigue. this stranger of blackest, most evil night pursues, yes he imbues darkness into hope so bright he's bursting my day with blackened of light. fear is gripping, here im slipping away from sanity. truth is imagined, this stranger makes it what i want, fleeing, never freeing from this lifelong hunt, but im ready to stop, face fear and see its face so gaunt. turn around, burn me into ashes from surprise flame, its not so surprising though, i see the match still smoking. seeing, never believing, in the possibilities of hoping, hpoe that my ic persuer will say he was joking. death, no more breath left to carry my heart on, this horrifying angel of darkness peels away its face, you, its been you all along, the one who has stolen my grace and destroyed my home, my precious home, making sure ive no place. now im alone, but not lonely like before [This message has been edited by young_blood (10-01-2003 06:31 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Alex Lewis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Silent Evincar Member
since 2003-07-22
Posts 179Here There and Places Between |
Alright I'm not usually picky because I believe poetry is sooo much like modern art; but here it comes. This seemed to start out as a third person perspective story with easy flowing stanzas; then we hit line 1 and 2 of the 4th stanza. The whole combustion kinda made me halt the flow. I liked the quicker, swifter idea that was going on; the big word just kicked me in the face though. Nice ending... guess my concensus is big words when truely needed. NJS |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
there i fixed it, i hope |
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swinging2bbvd Junior Member
since 2003-10-02
Posts 14 |
hey dont change words just cause they are big. if its a word you know, that if spoken alowed would flow, keep it and dont interupt its flow. but i agree the third person switch to first person was very distracting. you have to be careful and keep it consistant. |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
it flows better with the new words i believe |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
ha ha.....peeling away face....thats gooooooooood. |
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