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duncan idaho
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 70
dune

0 posted 2003-12-04 02:27 PM

beautiful little unicorn

I got the joy joy joy joy,
down in my
heart
joy, happy
forsaken life, yay!
Ah'm so vaaaaaaaaaain
vain vain vain.
but so happy.
screw modesty and screw
gramer. standardized to pieces.
my god can beat up your god.

stanza:
blah, my life is blah
these thoughts are tripping over
the shoelaces of some pathetic metaphor of your soul
this poor little mouse, used and violated by my index hand of your finger.

sad, oh so deepened stupidity.
to be or not to be.....
bee, buzzing, stinging
can you feel it yet?
its there.

[This message has been edited by SEA (12-05-2003 10:17 AM).]

duncan idaho
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 70
dune

1 posted 2003-12-04 02:42 PM

oh yeah...
you can't critique it.
you are just supposed to read it and be completely amazed.
i only want really happy comments

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

2 posted 2003-12-04 03:25 PM

I didn't like it

(was that happy enough for you?)

Tell me, how does it feel, to treat me like you do?~Orgy

duncan idaho
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 70
dune

3 posted 2003-12-04 07:12 PM

please no more!! why can't we just get along?

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

4 posted 2003-12-04 07:14 PM

Its different, but in a good way.
~kissa~

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

5 posted 2003-12-05 10:21 AM

I edited your comments on the bottom of your poem, that kind of language is not allowed in teen. If you have any questions regarding my editing, feel free to contact myself or any other teen moderator.
/pip/guidelines/rules.html#Profanity

please review the guidelines you agreed to when joining Pip.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

6 posted 2003-12-05 07:21 PM

hmmmm
so
well
um
I got the feeling that you don't like vain people (who does). So, you wrote this from there perspective in a sarcastic tone, in order to make a point. Which is good.
The last stanza was good,
but
the rest
was
a little kindergarden.
I'm not sure if your even serious about this poem.
But anyhow I understand your need to be different, because so much poetry is cliche.
But
just take a look at this.
The subject is good, it just needs some TWEAKING

HAPPY

[This message has been edited by Lexy (12-05-2003 07:25 PM).]

duncan idaho
Member

since 2003-11-14

Posts 70
dune

7 posted 2003-12-05 07:52 PM

maybe you could have noticed that my request for happy comments was also sarcastic? go ahead and tear this piece of crap apart

morgansmiles
Junior Member

since 2003-06-11

Posts 25
hicksville

8 posted 2003-12-07 02:00 PM

I just have to say that I think the "war" going on between you and Spine Grinder is hilarious...it is truly entertaining lol...and i enjoy your sarcasm...i think its really funny.

- Morgan

If you arent happy, then just laugh...people wont know why and the look on thier faces is sure to make you happy!

muchos
Member

since 2003-11-29

Posts 102

9 posted 2003-12-07 08:53 PM

thats the funniest bunch of bs i have ever seen slapped on a page and passed off as a poem. it perked my day up. i'd like too see more of this nonsense...i dont know why..but its wicked

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