Unwanted love (i added to it.)

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kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

0 posted 2004-01-04 08:22 PM

I posted this once before, btu i still had some too add, and here is the final draft. Hope you like it.

I shouldnt feel this way.
we are only friends.
There is so much i want to say
but i am so afraid.

I'm falling so hard for you,
its all so screwed up.
I think i'm straight trippin' boo,
straight trippin for you.

Believe me when i say,
I wish i didn't feel this way.
I wish i could control my feelings
I wish i could just throw them away.

I wish i could say,
these feelings would soon go away,
but these feelings i have,
I dont think they're fake.

I wanna be with you
all day, all night, all month all year
through every laugh and every tear.
through every sigh, and every cheer.

I love you so much,
but i don't think it matters.
You treat me like crap
so screw you, you "female dog"

[This message has been edited by kissa~rachelle (01-04-2004 11:25 PM).]

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

1 posted 2004-01-04 08:43 PM

you need to edit the profanity out of here please, and quickly. ....

~~**~~
This morning theres a calm I cant explain
By the time I recognize this moment it will be gone,
I will bend light pretending it lingers on

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-04-2004 08:56 PM).]

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-01-04 08:56 PM

oh my word......wow....ummm...i to say it, but i think this is really really bad. it was sooo straight forward, there was no imagery, you included profanity, you said "trippin' boo" to make it rhyme. im really sorry for you that you posted it. you need to go read some edgar allen poe and then try your hand at writing.

now im alone, but not lonely like before

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

3 posted 2004-01-04 09:33 PM

Sorry about the proafnity. I edited it out. And i am sorry you didnt like my poem young~blood. I know it wasnt great, but its how i feel, and that is all that matters to me.
~kissa~

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

4 posted 2004-01-04 10:04 PM

you need to now please edit the '****' that is masking profanity, .....

[This message has been edited by Greeneyes (01-04-2004 10:15 PM).]

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

5 posted 2004-01-04 11:26 PM

Is it better, or is it not good enough yet?
~kissa~

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

6 posted 2004-01-05 09:34 AM

there was nothing wrong with the poem persay, except for the 2 words, you did good! thank you!

broken627
Member

since 2003-11-26

Posts 66
Eugene Oregon

7 posted 2004-01-05 05:18 PM

I liked it good job expressing your emotions hun!
-*-broken627-*-
love is like a puzzle when the pieces dont fit you have to move on

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

8 posted 2004-01-05 07:29 PM

sorry that i sounded so harsh, im not really. the revisions are much better. good job!!
-alex

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

9 posted 2004-01-05 10:39 PM

Its ok. I didn'ttake it that harshly. I just took it like you were just trying to help. Thanks for al the comments so far.
~kissa~

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