navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » Gone by
Teen Poetry #7
Post A Reply Post New Topic Gone by Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
buttercupbaby
Member
since 2006-05-03
Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-07-29 05:56 PM


almost one week has gone by
im still trying to forget your face
trying to forget every trace
it was you and i
Another week gone by

i should have known
not to play this game
i should have tried to stop that flame
when it was you and i
Another week gone by

of all the things you gave to me
of all the things i wanted to say
nothing is the same its gone away
its not you and i
Another week gone by

it was mostly me lost in your eyes
i wish i hadn't let you see the tears i cried
i almost wish i could run and hide
i want to forget you and i
Another week gone by

weeks gone and im still pretending that im fine
im holding back whats on my mind
seems like i've lost a million hours,
and yet, still i wonder why
cant it just be you and i?!?

many weeks gone by
--------------------------------------------
(ok, i know this is really all over the place, nothing is exactly flowy...and it kinda stinks, but i wanted to see if y'all had any ideas)


© Copyright 2006 Marisa F - All Rights Reserved
the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
1 posted 2006-07-29 11:46 PM


It could be adjusted a little to make it flow and maybe make a little bit more sense. But I loved this bc I can totally relate. I'm almost going through something like this. It's very similar. So great job..

~Heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
2 posted 2006-08-01 02:05 PM


Hey Marisa,

Nice to see another poem by you! I don’t seem to see enough poems from the writers a I like a lot… all well…

Well, I have to agree with Heather on this being slightly confusing in parts. I also think you could change that with the adding/removing of words or some rearranging. It’s nothing big, I can still understand what you are trying to say, yet, it looks confusing, and reads kind of confusingly? No offence…

"i should have known
not to play this game
i should have tried to stop that flame
when it was you and i
another week gone by"


I liked this part, once again because it talks about a "flame", I instantly think fire and I fall in love with the stanza! lol

Thanks for sharing, it was an awesome poem

@-->---

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #7 » Gone by

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary