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buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-07-17 12:19 PM

my eyes are etched with sorrow
my heart scratched with pain
sometimes i don't want to see tomorrow
everyone thinks i've gone insane.

i wonder every day
has everyone gone through this..too?
not knowing what to say?
skies fading to black from blue?

i sit,all day, in my bed
wondering things no one should
thoughts going through my head
would you love me if you could?

im learning to be fufilled
but i haven't realized why
my love had to be killed
why couldn't they let me give happiness a try?

if God wants it to be this way, fine.
still i can't not think of you
but my thoughts are only mine
you can't love me, it's true.

(ok, well, i couldn't decide how to end the last stanza, i came up with 3 different things. I chose that one b/c it had to do with the think in the 2nd line, but i don't know if its the best one. tell me which one you like better out of that one, and these two.)

im running out of time
my hearts dying, it true.

or

(in this one you would erase the 2nd line of the last stanza)

my hearts still only yours, its true
have i commited crime?
in falling in love with you?

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2006-07-17 01:20 PM

Hey buttercupbaby,

Before I say anything on this poem, I just wanted to let you know, because I read your replies to my reply and other replies on your last poems, confusing, huh? That if I say anything that offends you in some way I’d like you to tell me so I don’t repeat the offence. If you prefer I don’t critique let me know.

On the decision of the last stanza, I like choice 2 better, the reason being is that I wouldn’t repeat “true” next to each other so soon. It, to me, would appear to repetitive, no offence. I’m not sure though, and really it is authors choice, not ours…

Also, the flow, it wasn't that... umm, I wasn't amazed by it, I'm not sure what style you were going for, so I can't say much on this, but I didn't like it as much as I have in some of your other poems...

"my eyes are etched with sorrow
my heart scratched with pain
sometimes i don't want to see tomorrow
everyone thinks i've gone insane."

I loved this stanza, it had great flow, and nice imagery. I think the wording was nice on this also. Nothing out of place or un-needed in my opinion.

Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasure to read

@-->---

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

2 posted 2006-07-17 05:11 PM

well, first off, i was saying that i like to read your critique of my poetry, b/c not really anyone else does. So i defiantly love it when you do..im sorry if i said that wrong, i didn't mean for it to come out that way.
and thanks for the reply!

~missy
My tears of love are a waste of time if I turn away..
my love is a waste of time
if you never stay

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