Slow Motion Heart's Notion

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buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

0 posted 2006-07-14 12:18 PM

i turn my head
look to each side
im walking down a street
everything's moving slowly by.

i look over my shoulder
my heart racing
now im running toward the incline
that drops down, Devil's Peak.

I make sure no one's following
i don't want them to see
My heart is torn wide open
but no one will believe.

i feel as if my feet won't move
they can't carry me anymore
but i know im running
with every step i feel myself surrender.

i've wondered why they call it
The place where demons are
but looking over the side now
I don't question anymore.

I look up at the sky
as if to scream at God
I want so many answers
But i can't try anymore.

I look at the people slowly moving
behind me so they can't see
i take one last breath
then i jump.

slow motion, and my heart's notion, is complete.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

1 posted 2006-07-14 05:31 PM

i look over my shoulder
my heart racing
now im running toward the incline
that drops down, Devil's Peak.

I make sure no one's following
i don't want them to see
My heart is torn wide open
but no one will believe.

i've wondered why they call it
The place where demons are
but looking over the side now
I don't question anymore.

i really like theses stanzas, they really made the poem come together . amazing write. very chilling. but good

M e m o r i e s
Junior Member

since 2006-07-15

Posts 14
Alaska, USA

2 posted 2006-07-15 08:30 PM

*puts a trampoline at the bottom of the fall to break the girl's fall*

I'm kidding, but this is a weally (yes, weally) sad poem. Poor girl. *sniffles*

Here's a cookie for you! *hands you cookie for good poem*

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-07-16 12:41 PM

"I look up at the sky
as if to scream at God
I want so many answers
But i can't try anymore"

I like this stanza, I like how you talk about God even if it's screaming at him... Yet, I can relate to this feeling, the many unanswered questions. I felt like you did a great job with this stanza.

"i turn my head
look to each side
im walking down a street
everything's moving slowly by."

I liked this one also, because of the flow and how you talked about everything moving in slow motion and once again I relate. I get that feeling all the time of things moving slowly by. I'm glad you expressed this feeling though.

Overall I thought this was an excellent poem, sad but very well written.

The only thing that is a little questionable is the rhythm. In some spots I felt like it went off the flow or was stiff. I believe that if you read this allowed to yourself a couple times you will be able to see what I'm talking about, if not it's probably just me.

Thanks for sharing, it was a pleasurable read

@-->---

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

4 posted 2006-07-17 12:05 PM

thank you SO much!
I didn't really think anyone would like this, but im glad y'all did!

stargal, its not just you. On the stanza where i talk about screaming at God, that doesn't have great flow. Sorry about that, I try so hard to rhyme sometimes, but then i can't with what i need to say, but if you could suggest something, then that would be great!
I know this is a sad poem, i was writing about an expierence i saw years ago, and then the devil's peak was something i saw and visited last year and had alot of feelings, and then i combined them and I guess it turned out ok=/
well, thanks again!

-missy
pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

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