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Teen Poetry #7
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my first poem posted on here, be gentle!!! :)
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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my first poem posted on here, be gentle!!! :) |
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torn rag doll New Member
since 2003-11-26
Posts 3 |
the fallen spout for lo, i am but a broken teapot ravaged by times cruel teabags people use me as an ashtray no one knows what its like, to be a teapot who is hated my florality is crack'd. beyond repair for i am but one teapot, on the serving tray of eternity forged by a bastard potter on the eve of all hallows once i flew the crystal skies now i swim the shallows is this the fate for a poor little teapot with a broken spout, and rim and lid miserable little recepticle i am but a little flid my wings of gold are broken now and torn lost the glittering seas my little spout forlorn oh for how i wish but why? but i wish for the day when i will rise to the great tea cosy in the sky but no! there is no hope no hope at all for a little teapot who is hated critique welcome. I havent been writing for a while now so im kinda rusty, this is one of my old songs. this is kinda a song about being pissed off, but with a twist, it's through the eyes of a teapot instead. thanks daniel harris |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
hmmm...the description and stuff was great!! i couldnt get over the whole teapot thing though...good job though. -alex now im alone, but not lonely like before |
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UnsilencedWords666 Member
since 2003-11-19
Posts 63Broken Memories & Falling Tears |
I liked it...it was a cool little twist, so i liked the teapot thing...awsome job :o) *~*Nessa Bear*~* Living a normal life is not living a life...it's living for everyone else *~*Nessa Bear*~* |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, hmm..my first thought was pretty weird, but hey, it's more creative then i could of written. so woot for you lol. keep postin. -bergundy- "Be who you want and do what you will, in the end those who matter won't mind, and those who mind won't matter." -Dr Suess- (a brilliant man) |
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magic_612 Member
since 2003-07-31
Posts 190NB, Canada |
I liked it cause it was so original. Great job  |
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torn rag doll New Member
since 2003-11-26
Posts 3 |
many thanks for the crit, i fear i must iterate my poem so you can all enjoy it that little it more!. the teapot is the perfect vessel of the human condition. we all brood our emotions from the "teabag" of experience and then pour it out (through poetry) into the mug of our very existence, imo. however, this songs, takes a solipsistic approach, as you read, the teapot of the self (or "selfpot") is without any of the attributes of the human experience (the tea making paraphenellia, if you please) and therefore cannot be aware of other "teapots". so this poem is about finding the self again (repotting). but your crit is welcome and taken on board. and i will continue to write poetry in my little outhouse (what i call "the potting shed"). i will use your advice in my upcomming piece about an ironing board the latest offering in my the "futility of utility" cycle completed by a clothes mangle!! thanks!! dan harris |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Dan - Great job. I enjoyed this one. Kind of surprising to read one like this posted in this section. Just for future posts, generally resposes in here will consist of a 'sweeeeeet', and that's about it. If you want some serious criticism to help you get better, the "critical analysis" forum is great. But anyways, onto the poem. It has the old fashioned style of writing which I like. "for lo, i am but a broken teapot ravaged by times cruel teabags" --I love the first two lines. Needs to work on the puncuation though (For, I, time's). "people use me as an ashtray no one knows what its like, to be a teapot who is hated" --I don't really like the first line of this... I like the idea and what your trying to say, but it just doesn't flow as well as the first two lines of the poem. Not sure what I recomend changing it to though. Maybe just try to make it flow a little better, without all the little words (me as an...), it gets weakens the line. "my florality is crack'd. beyond repair for i am but one teapot, on the serving tray of eternity" --Very nice. Serving tray of eternity may be a little over the top, but fits with the rest of the poem. "forged by a bastard potter on the eve of all hallows once i flew the crystal skies now i swim the shallows" --I like 'eve of all hallows', instead of just Halloween. Although this stanza rhymes and flows well, not quite sure what your trying to say. If your keeping with the teapot metaphor, flying, then swimming, is a bit confusing. Maybe I just wasn't getting it, but what are you trying to say here? Just that you were once excepted in society, but now you are not? "is this the fate for a poor little teapot with a broken spout, and rim and lid miserable little recepticle i am but a little flid" --Flid? I was liking this stanza, but the last line needs to be stronger. "my wings of gold are broken now and torn lost the glittering seas my little spout forlorn" --You go back to the wings and seas metaphor here, like in stanza 2. As long as your being consistent, it works. Also, the last line... This is just my opinion, but I like "my little spout, forlorn." I like the comma, then the adjective if you are using the descriptive word after it anyways. "oh for how i wish but why? but i wish for the day when i will rise to the great tea cosy in the sky but no! there is no hope no hope at all for a little teapot who is hated" --I like this last stanza a lot. Nice job. Nice job with the whole poem. I hope you don't think it's bad or I didn't like it, because of all the comments. I just wanted to give this poem the respect it deserved by atleast trying to analyze it a bit. I really don't know what I'm talking about, and just wrote what I thought would make it better. But my poems are certainly not masterpieces. -Taylor |
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Ally Stone Junior Member
since 2003-10-20
Posts 48D.C. |
I liked this, but I couldn't find a comfortable groove in your metaphor. The style is pretty light, made humorous by the teapot parallels, but your subject is serious, so it's hard to make it feel realistic on any level. Plus, in my opinion (which you can ignore, since I'm usually not as creative as you obviously are), you carried the teapot a little too far. Great job, I can't come to a definite opinion on this one, maybe you're just too deep for me... ---Ally--- |
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