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scyzoryk_o4
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 36
Canada and Poland

0 posted 2006-06-01 12:25 PM

Hey, this is probably one of my favorite poems I’ve written. Um actually I just wrote it right now so I mite end up editing it a bit. The only thing is: it took me only 30 minutes to write and as I read It through some lines sounded sooo familiar, so if anyone notices this as well please tell me because I honestly did not try to rip any one off.

You are the gravity
That keeps me on this earth,
You are the magnetic field,
That changes the direction of north

You are the mysterious fog
That appeared out of nowhere
In you I am lost,
Finally without any care.

You are the Sun
And I am a flower,
I open up to you
And when you hide, I cower.

You are my poison,
As a girl you are disguised.
When you kiss me,
I am paralyzed.

You are my heart,
Without you my chest is hollow.
You are my love,
And until the ends of Earth I will follow.

Maksym

WaterFairy103
Member

since 2006-05-31

Posts 196

1 posted 2006-06-01 12:45 PM

This is pretty good, I think. I sort of wish it was longer so I could read more! You spelled finally wrong, but that's easily fixed and didn't distract me at all. Good job!

Dance like nobody's watching,
Love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening,
and Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

scyzoryk_o4
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 36
Canada and Poland

2 posted 2006-06-01 12:50 PM

Thanks for the comment... Oh and thanks for pointing out the spelling error, its funny I read it like 5 times already and never noticed.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

3 posted 2006-06-01 01:00 AM

Hey,

First off let me say I didn’t see anything that appeared familiar? Am I missing something? Also, if you are going to edit it, please rewrite the poem in the edited form and repost it inside of this post.
That way we can see the original and the “polished” version.

Okay, on your poem I found that I didn’t think the ending two stanzas were as good as the first ones. My reasons being on the second to last stanza these lines,

”you are my poison
as a girl you are disguised”

I kind of felt those two lines split off into something else, I mean I know they don’t, but that was just my impression. And on the last stanza I just felt like it ended rather abruptly. I felt like the ending could be a little more polished something to wrap up the whole poem, no offence I hope.

I loved the first stanza most though, the way you talk about the person you love as gravity, nice metaphor! And the second stanza, at first I’m like “you’re lost in fog?!?!” but I realize what you have on the ending part of the stanza so it works out. Amazingly well written.

Sorry, I’m being rather negative tonight on everyone’s poems. I do apologize. I did enjoy this poem a lot though, I can’t wait to see more of your writings

@-->---

scyzoryk_o4
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 36
Canada and Poland

4 posted 2006-06-01 01:43 AM

Thanks you for the comments… I’m still working this out but here are a couple of changes I may make:

You are my poison: "you are poison", or: "you are Medusa"

And as for the ending:

Without you I am nothing
You have become my life,
I want you be with you forever,
Will you become my wife?
(hahaha ya right honestly I cant figure out anything that rhymes with life and when I tried knife it sounded too suicidal)

Here’s another stanza I thought of but I’m not sure if I’ll put it in:
You are my Aphrodite
Until end of days
Goddess of love
I will praise

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

5 posted 2006-06-01 08:12 PM

Hey,

If you are really thinking about adding that stanza with Aphrodite into your poem, you might not want to add the Medusa part. The reason being not only will she be Aphrodite but Medusa also?!?! Or vise versa I’m just afraid the two do not mix very well…

Also the stanza with wife and life, umm… I think it needs a little bit more work.
I think you should change “You have become my life” to “ You’ve become my life” I think that flows a little bit better, but what do I know? Nothing! Ha! Lol..

Also this part “I want you be with you forever” it needs a “to” in there somewhere.

I do like the idea of adding the Aphrodite stanza though it’s very charming.

Good luck on this poem though, I’d love to see the finished version

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stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

6 posted 2006-06-01 08:57 PM

oops... I'm such a dork! I just realized your critique thing is not on. Sorry about everything i've said

@-->---

scyzoryk_o4
Junior Member

since 2006-05-23

Posts 36
Canada and Poland

7 posted 2006-06-01 09:47 PM

Oh not at all it’s my fault, I never realized that there was a critique thing lol...thanks for the help

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