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Teen Poetry #7
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Delicious Teardrops
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Delicious Teardrops |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
As she cries, his lips whisper across her cheeks, delicious teardrops dripping off her chin. He murmurs promises of love and forever, but she knows all too well where he's been. She won't look into his seductive eyes, she doesn't want to see the lies they tell. His arms encircle her quaking form, he's trying to comfort her, to quell her fears, not knowing that she's scared of him. His breath stirs her dark hair, as he rests his chin on her head. She unwillingly leans into his strength, aware that she could be being led. He has no right to ask her forgiveness, he knows he's hurt her, knows he was wrong. Knows he needs her, unsure if he can get her, he's been gone for so damn long. His hold on her tightens convulsively, he needs to soothe her fears. He kisses away from her lovely face, those painful, delicious tears. He senses it more than he feels, her sweet surrender to him, Her thick defense finally yields, now they'll love each other once again. [This message has been edited by WaterFairy103 (06-01-2006 12:41 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Kelsey Dianne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey, Before I really say anything, I want to welcome you to piptalk! I hope you enjoy the site, I’ve found it to be very helpful and constructive. Okay, as to your poem… I found it to be a very pleasurable read. I especially enjoyed the title, so very unique, yet it ties in with the poem. Which, in my book, is very important, because you read so many poems that have titles and you think “huh?” although, you might want to edit your poem and respell the title. I must admit that this wasn’t the kind of poem I was expecting in the teen section, but I’m glad you posted it here, or else I wouldn’t have been able to see it… I kind of live in teen poetry The part where you say, ”he’s been gone for so d*** long” I was a little bit disappointed in reading that. Although, sometimes I do admit, curse words sound good in what you’re writing, it doesn’t mean that you have to put it there. I prefer to substitute it for something else. No offence of course, to each their own. The stanzas of this helped me a lot in reading, I’m a stanza person for one, and for me without stanzas I sometimes end up rereading something over, and over, and over. So thanks for putting those in, it’s nothing major I know, but it’s the small things that count at times. I’ve been reading this poem a couple of times and I’ve come to the conclusion that if I have to choose a favorite part it would have to be the beginning of the last stanza, up until about the last 4 lines where she surrenders. The only reason I don’t like that part is cause I was mad at the girl for falling for him again! Anyway, good write on this one, I’m sorry I appear so negative to your poem on this post, you did ask for constructive criticism, at least I think this is? Errr… maybe not  Once again, welcome to pip! I can’t wait to see more poems from you  @-->--- |
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WaterFairy103 Member
since 2006-05-31
Posts 196 |
Thanks for posting, and don't feel bad about being 'negative', because you weren't, it was all constructive, and that's what i was looking for! Thanks! Dance like nobody's watching, |
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scyzoryk_o4 Junior Member
since 2006-05-23
Posts 36Canada and Poland |
Hey, Wow.... Most wonderful poem I’ve read in well a while. If i was to critique any thing it would be this line: "aware that she could be being led." its almost a tong twister I had to read it like 4 times to actually get it right  but ya I tried to think of a way to reword it but I couldn't so this was a pointless comment really, Good job on your very hard to critique poem. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Kelsey~ WELCOME to PiP ... I'm not a 'critiquer' but I sure can give you a 'GOOD JOB'  *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
WELLCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!  Please check your e-mail for a special greeting. "... the rest is silence" |
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
Hey this was good. I agree with stargal on a lot of things. i wont name them cuz she already wrote them. and i was also mad that she loved him again. haha nice write. |
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