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aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

0 posted 2003-09-28 08:04 AM

for the one person i couldnt express my love too....

a love that could never happen
coz you r a teacher
and im a student
u got this dam fine ass
that i just wanna squeeze
the bad boy attitude
that drives me insane

u told the class wat
u used to do to your
teachers in high school
you were so mean
but it made the class
laugh ne ways

you aint a conventional teacher
but that is sumthin else i like bout u
u wear the same sorta clothes
evry day of the week
not that it worries me
u always showin off your nice ass
u makin your own yacht
and id love to go sailin wit you
but my parents would have a fit
so would the school,
and board of education

you wouldnt b able to work
and i wouldnt c u again
guess ill just keep
these feeling to myself
keeep them to me
and away from you

if only there was a way
for this forbidden love
to bloom into wat it could be

but that wont happen now
coz uve gone and left
off on your sailing trip
good luck and bon voyage
the end

this was no love just a lust that i couldnt tell the difference between.....

this is me.... like it or not....
its who i am!

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2003-09-28 04:09 PM

ummmmm...wow......i really dont how to be nice about this one. i thought it was horrible. terribly so. sorry. try and not write so straight forward and take the time to actually spell out your words.but...wow.......*winces after reading*

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

2 posted 2003-09-29 10:20 AM

yes I also agree. This poem needs some work. I just felt like it didnt flow right. I'm really sorry..

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

3 posted 2003-09-29 03:52 PM

Melissa-I can truly see the talent hiding inside. Please take the time to maybe work a few lines a little and re-post it. This is a good job. I would like to see you make it truly great...
And pick on someone your own age!!! lol.

We are all equal but we’re individually different
and able to reach the impossible if we try.

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

4 posted 2003-09-29 07:53 PM

It sounds more like lust than anything that even closely resembles love. I hate to see any poem that lacks depth, but I fear that I have found one. As said above, you seem to have a talent lurking inside, I only hope you will work on it.

sixington
Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 53
Utah

5 posted 2003-09-29 08:14 PM

I didn't really like this one. It seemed a little repetitive, and i think it might have meant more to me if i could relate, but it still needs some work. you've got some great lines, though.

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

6 posted 2003-09-30 12:58 PM

Well as everyone already mentioned this was not that great a piece for quite a few reasons. Personally I think it was written in the course of about 10 minutes and the use of vulgarities def. ruins any semblance of meaning.

Think about it this way, if your poem doesn't seem to matter to you enough to take some time with it, then why should it matter to us?

On the other hand, I do see some talent expressed in this write anyway. I think if you took the time to make a poem truely deserving of this person you have feelings for, then you would do fine.

Poetry is about feelings, but it's feelings expressed creatively and not just thrown down on paper.

I hope to see a revised poem in the near future.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

They say the sweet is never as sweet without the sour. So where's my sweet?

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

7 posted 2003-10-23 05:01 PM

ha ha ( i laugh like french man)

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