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The Shadow in Blue
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 493
EL, Michigan

0 posted 2006-05-18 04:43 PM

I've only been writing for 6 months, so please give me any constructive critisim. Oh and I hope you enjoy this poem.
~Jill

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The Demon Inside

The flaming bush set ablaze by your eyes
slapped at my cheek and denounced your lies
And just as the red mark seared against my flesh
the coarse hairs of deceit rubbed my skin dry

This now chaved skin, rough to the touch
shook like a tremor with a chill through my blood
And as it ran through my veins of deception
a cold mallous look replaced my shock

But just when I thought it couldn't get any worse
a laugh, shrill and cold,erupted from my throat
And the worst part of it all was the feeling I got
when I said,"Screw you too!", with a slap of my own

And as suddenly as I said those mean spirited words
a feeling of remorse had hit at me hard
For I had just turned into what I hated most
nothing but a coward who beat up the poor

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2006-05-18 06:14 PM

that is some intense writing...

welcome to Pip!

*please check your email for a special greeting!

‘I want to swim away
but don’t know how
sometimes it feels
just like I’m falling
in the ocean’
~Blue October

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

2 posted 2006-05-19 10:25 PM

WOW.. welcome to pip.. I agree this was very intense kinda of kept me on the edge of my seat type poem.. good vocabulary.. I think I can tell i'm already going to like your work.. keep em coming.

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

3 posted 2006-05-19 10:29 PM

i'm not even sure how to comment on this poem. It's amazing. I'm excited to read more of your posts! Great job. u are very well spoken i can tell.

The Shadow in Blue
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 493
EL, Michigan

4 posted 2006-05-19 10:37 PM

Thanks for the positive replies guys. I appreciate it so much because i'm really not always sure if I should or could share my poetry (even w/ my friends).

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