Who cares - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Junebug
Junior Member

since 2006-04-23

Posts 40
earth

0 posted 2006-05-13 04:30 AM

Ok uh this is another one of those poems that i wrote in less then five minutes...it just popped in my head I'm not so sure i like it! so ya opinions appreciated!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shes drownding in,
Her own sea of tears.
Trapped in a box,
Weighed down by her fears.
But who cares?

She cant sleep at night,
Cause shes to busy crying.
When she says shes ok,
Theyknow shes lying.
But who cares?

Everyone can see,
Threw her disguise.
They can see it,
In her eyes.
But who cares?

He pulls her from her from,
Her sea of tears.
Opens the box,
Letting out her fears.
He cares.

He wipes her tears,
Till she stops crying.
Lets her know,
She can now stop lying.
He cares.

He Helps her take off,
Her disguise.
And looks her square,
In her eyes.

And finally she knows someone cares!

Archea
Member

since 2006-05-13

Posts 65
United States

1 posted 2006-05-13 05:46 AM

exellent. you addressed one of the main teen problems, love/wanting to belong, and you turned into a good poem. im betting it would have been better if you had revised and looked it over first though...

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

2 posted 2006-05-13 06:32 AM

A nice poem...constructed well and has a very good meaning.. check for spelling errors and uses of homonyms like "to, too" and "threw, through" so you have them correct (and I wouldn't mention that it took me only 5 minutes...)

sometimes that shows in the work and it would be better, as the above poet stated, to take your time and check your work over before posting.

And just because you come to an end of a line doesn't mean a comma should be there, especially if it is breaking up the sentence or thought.

I did enjoy reading it.
M

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

3 posted 2006-05-13 02:36 PM

i really really enjoyed this. its wiked cool that you think of your MOST awesome poems in just 5 min. I do that too but when im in the shower :p no but im serious

I really enjoy your poems because i can relate to them A LOT. you r such a talented awesome poet. i loved this

Keep it up

~nora<3

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong llx - P!ATD!

bekahlekah45
Senior Member

since 2006-03-14

Posts 533

4 posted 2006-05-13 02:41 PM

"He pulls her from her from"

that was the one part that confused me????????

other than that good job.

Junebug
Junior Member

since 2006-04-23

Posts 40
earth

5 posted 2006-05-14 01:26 PM

Thanks for all the replies, and uh bekahlekah45 its "He pulls her from her sea of tears." and uh i mentioned that i wrote it like 5 mins ago because if theres something wrong thats probably why..and i posted it so quick because i wasnt anywhere were i could write it first and i didnt want to forget it! so ya....but thank yas all!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.