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Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-05-06 01:22 AM

Tragedy scratched on the back of my hand
It bleeds the ink that writes my story
Of how the jesus of tomarrow
Is being torn apart
By the fear and sorrow
That resides in his heart
And its always the same
Blood is still shed
Over the countless dead
And its all our fault
For the lives were taking
With no regard for whose life were breaking
Because if its not happening to you
Its not worth your time because its not happening to you
And you dont even think
That maybe you could have solved them
I know that I will be forgoton
So please just take these words from me
Give your help
Where help is due
Because it may not be your problem
Untill it happens to you

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

1 posted 2006-05-06 12:46 PM

Hey Tempest,

This is a very interesting poem to me, if you haven’t read Sins_and_tragedies poem “not my problem”, you might want to, very similar general idea on the subject…

The only think on this poem that I am not crazy about would be these lines,

”because if it’s not happening to you
it’s not worth your time because its not happening to you”,

to me one of those lines doesn’t need to be there, cause it’s kind of saying the same thing over again, maybe if you just made it,

”because it’s not happening to you, it’s not worth your time”

or something like that, but that’s just my opinion…

I’d also suggest stanzas, it’s a little confusing to read in the form it’s in right now.

I loved the first few lines though,

”tragedy scratched on the back of my hand
it bleeds in that writes my story”

very coo imagery here, yet a little bit on the darker side, very enjoyable for me…

Anyway, good job on this one, I really liked it

@-->---

poise_and_rationality
Junior Member

since 2006-05-06

Posts 46
my mind

2 posted 2006-05-07 12:44 PM

yea i agree with stargal but a good read

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

3 posted 2006-05-11 10:22 PM

woah!! thats very very good!! emo and dark/mysterious loved it
Keep up the great work

~nora<3

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong llx - P!ATD!

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