longing for a liftime - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

sins_and_tragedies
Junior Member

since 2006-04-26

Posts 41
england

0 posted 2006-05-03 12:37 PM

i was sitting at lunch when i wrote this so if its that bad my mind was somewhere else probaly thinking about food

I'm walking on clouds
The sky is blue
No one else is around
Just me and you.

The sun is shining
I am happy at last
No more depression
That's all in the past.
You tell me you love me
As you're holding me tight
I know that this evening
Everything will go right.

We're out at dinner
You offer a ring
You're down on one knee
Offering everything.
You love me at last
After all the years that I've waited
I'm no longer on the sidelines
As someone you hated.

My life is now perfect
We'll last forever so it may seem
Then the alarm clock goes off
It was all just a dream.

is good to face this things with a sense of poise and rationality

buttercupbaby
Member

since 2006-05-03

Posts 400
outside in the rain

1 posted 2006-05-03 03:57 PM

that was really good...You put feelings into words So easily...you're a great poet.

~missy
*speak when you're angry;
and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret*

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

2 posted 2006-05-03 05:14 PM

I agree with Missy.. you are a great writer.. I loved this poem and how you put down your thoughts and emotions so easily..

The only thing that stuck out to me was this stanza..

"We're out at dinner
You offer a ring
You're down on one knee
Offering everything."

The second and last line sound kinda repeating because they both have the word offer in them.. "offer a ring" "offering everything" I would maybe change the last line maybe something like.. "giving everything"

"We're out at dinner
You offer a ring
You're down on one knee
Giving everything."

it might not make as much sense as to what you were trying to say but to me it flows better with the poem..

... just a suggestion though..

I loved your poem.. it was great..

Keep up the good work..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

3 posted 2006-05-03 06:30 PM

ahh loved that!!! that always happens to me..i can relate to every one of your poems they all rock keep it up

~nora <3

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong </3 llx - P!ATD!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.