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Tempest
Member

since 2006-04-28

Posts 247
dont eat paint chips!!!!

0 posted 2006-05-01 10:06 PM

This is a very very very dark depressing poem! this is the WARNING that it is evil like the spawn of satan!!!

Laughter bleeds the away the pain
Of all the things ive helped you gain
I wish that you would go away
But now your hear and hear to stay

Ive watched you lose
Ive watched you win
Ive watched you wash away your sins
In the blood of those you killed
Wishing the blood was never spilled

I never knew this was your plan
But now the blood is on your hands
The words are ringing in my head
I cant forget the blood you've shed

Innocent lives have been taken down
There blood is soaked into the ground
The tears are grey
The waters red
Now theres nothing but the dead

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

1 posted 2006-05-01 10:18 PM

first off.. I loved your poem.. you had some spelling mistakes.. I think that I'm gonna take the time actually break this poem down the way I see it for you since I think that you should get some really good feedback from everyone..

""Laughter bleeds the away the pain
Of all the things ive helped you gain
I wish that you would go away
But now your hear and hear to stay""

this stanza above is a great way to start off.. the first line though.. I don't think that the word "the" between bleeds and away should be there. "your" on the last line should be 'you're' and "hear" in both places should be 'here' ... laughter bleeds away the pain.. wow.. I love this line i think the most out of the whole poem.. very talented

Ive watched you lose
Ive watched you win
Ive watched you wash away your sins
In the blood of those you killed
Wishing the blood was never spilled

    this was a great stanza.. not really any errors that would distract from the reader reading steadily great job..

I never knew this was your plan
But now the blood is on your hands
The words are ringing in my head
I cant forget the blood you've shed

    "wow" this was great also.. "I can't forget the blood you've shed" to me.. this one line could mean so many different things.. keep that up.. i love it when poets write and make it so that it can mean so much to a variety of people.

Innocent lives have been taken down
There blood is soaked into the ground
The tears are grey
The waters red
Now theres nothing but the dead

    "there" on the second line should be 'their'.
    the end was awesome.. it started strong and ended strong.. all in all.. this was a very wonderful piece.. i love poems that get down into the emotions that i have and I love dark passions poetry also.. I love others imaginations.. it inspires me to do so much..

Keep up the good work and I hope this helped you some..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

pullingxthextrigger
Member

since 2006-05-01

Posts 133
MA,..USA llx

2 posted 2006-05-02 05:54 PM

awesome---evil but great!!! loved it- keep them comin

~nora <3

your pulling the trigger, pulling the trigger all wrong </3 llx - P!ATD!

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