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Teen Poetry #7
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aliway
Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 185
With in your eyes

0 posted 2006-03-09 12:38 PM


curly hair
golden brown
accent from the south
how he takes my heart away

my face gets so red
when he looks my way
just thinking of him
puts a smile on my face

--------------------------------------------
any suggestions would be  appreciated



© Copyright 2006 Leah S. - All Rights Reserved
stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
1 posted 2006-03-09 12:47 PM


Hey,

I seem to critisize your poems, A LOT! I apologize if i seem a little harsh sometimes. I just really get into something and i like to try and help people improve their works... Which is really dumb because mine need much more improvment!

Couple things on your poem - The line "my face gets so flush", you might want to change that. Another, i kind of like to know the gender of the subject, it is not vital for you to put that in there, it's just my personally pet.

I really like the lines "Curly brown hair, golden brown, accent from the south", i used to live in the south so i sooo know what your talking about there!

Keep up the work

And thanks for sharing with me

@-->---

stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
2 posted 2006-03-09 12:50 PM


P.S. Can you make it longer?

@-->---

aliway
Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 185
With in your eyes
3 posted 2006-03-09 01:08 AM


Thanks you
You don’t need to apologize to me. I like when you criticize my poems, it helps me find my mistakes. And I look forward to them.

Do you mean “Curly hair” because you put in “Curly brown hair”?

The poem is about this guy and your right I should put that in there, but where?
I tried to make it longer but every time I did it sounded bad, but I’ll keep trying at school.


stargal
Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352
OR USA
4 posted 2006-03-09 01:18 AM


Yes, i'm sorry, i meant "curly hair", i was stuck on thinking about brown!

As for adding the gender to the poem, you might have to add another stanza, which would be great because it will also make the poem longer!

Good luck with it though.
Don't get caught during school hours!

@-->---

latteaddict213
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523
Colorado
5 posted 2006-03-09 09:24 AM


there is nothing to make better. in my eyes its perfect.

                Jessica


(ps. i would be good a little longer )

           Jessica    
            
    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

curiouse
Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277
england
6 posted 2006-03-25 09:53 AM


you just described me!
great write, curiouse

*Alli4000*
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188
The World of Poetry
7 posted 2006-03-25 06:33 PM


I thought it was very nice!

~Alli~

aliway
Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 185
With in your eyes
8 posted 2006-03-26 01:07 PM


Thank you for replying, all of you.


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