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Teen Poetry #7
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What do you do?
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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What do you do? |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
When your life is falling apart, what do you do? When you've tried every thing, what do you do? When the only time you talk to your parents is when you're fighting with them, what do you do? When time is slipping away, what do you do? When no one can help you, what do you do? When you can't stop feeling pain, what do you do? When you collapse for nothing in the middle of nowhere, what do you do? When you have nobody to talk to, what do you do? When you can't eat a crumb, what do you do? When your all alone being miserable, what do you do? When someone sees you doing something you shouldn't, what do you do? When you are motion less and need help, what do you do? When nothing goes right, what do you do? When my life is falling apart, what do I do? Jessica  Character is what you do when you think that no one is loking--?? [This message has been edited by latteaddict213 (03-07-2006 12:24 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Jessica - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
WOW, Jessica, this is great.. I love the way you changed at the end and instead of saying 'you' you said 'I'.. wonderful poem.. I can relate in many ways.. I kinda wrote a poem like this once.. but it was in a style that I write.. Great job..  ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thanx Jessica |
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the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
your welcome.. i just posted a new poem too. well it's not that I just wrote it but new to this site.. oh and I really can't find anything wrong with this poem just incase you were wanting to know.. i loved it. Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thanx. ijust got a pop up 4 my e-mail that you responded as I was responding to yours Jessica |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
nice. to answer some of them. you take a deep breath. and you ask for help. or else help yourself. and keep trying. sweet write. i liked it. *karissa* I ask why, but in my mind, |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thank you Jessica |
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tearsoflove13762 Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488Texas.. and yes i have an accent |
ok so sometimes repetition isnt a good thing. But i also understand that you are just expressing your feelings so ok go on ahead and do it.. if you are gonna repeat dont make it so long! not very many people want to read the same thing over and over again for over like 5-7 stanzas and when you do a poem like this try and keep the lines and stanzas the same length and if you rhyme keep rhyming( i dont remember if you did the rhyming thing or not i just kinda added it) sometimes with out these things it works but not often enough keep writing Laura how did you break my heart when it wasn't whole to start? |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thank you. what do you think i should get rid of? Jessica |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey! Great poem… I really liked it, mostly because I can relate to a lot of what you said. One thing is the repeating of “what do you do”, it’s great but sometimes it can be a little much. Though, like someone else remarked, I like how at the end you changed it to “what do I do”. Another thing is spelling… Yes, everyone doesn’t spell perfect, but in poetry I find you notice it more than just chatting online. So, that’s just a thought, personally I cheat and use Microsoft Word to help with my spelling!  Other than that just keep writing I’d really like to see some more of your work |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thank you. i will look in to spell check I think I fixed it all. thanx again Jessica Character is what you do when you think that no one is loking--?? |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
Hey i thought maybe that you carried the "what do you do" on for a long time...but the end of the poem just made it come together. p.s im'a start telling people more then "great poem" coz i saw that its not meant to be done like that. hope you don't mind me saying what i thought)  x0x0 |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
thank you. that can be more helpful at times. sometimes i cant think of any thing to const Constructively Critique. it just to good. thanks again Jessica |
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