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Teen Poetry #7
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sacrifice, and promises kept
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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sacrifice, and promises kept |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
if u hav a better idea for a title then pleez tell me As the sun glints apon the waves, There are no words about this to be said. The peacefulness, the serenity A blissful feeling a felling of being free. Wave collides into another shooting white spray Droplets of water exploding every which way Rush of power , in this beautiful sight Clear sky, shallow water, made more amazing by falling night Moon has risen, a pale light in a darkened sky Innocent looking yet this what causes high tides People stand on stairs looking out Waves get closer, till breaching faces a lingering doubt Water pulls out, one more time Back past the low tide line, out of sight Silence, complete till upon hearing roar of a wave, intake of breath terror wrought, shadowed outline, an awoken fear, bringer of death time elapses freezing in place, realization dawns beginning to get it, blink of an eye, time to save themselves gone watery grave sweeps over their heads, many will die two children still clinging on to life having to know that they survived. They will always remember that fateful day As their family was taken from them in a shower of spray Trapped by guilt, hand in hand brother and sister, walk Forever the beach that stole their lives, refusing to talk Every thing they have is from the sea, just as once all they had Was taken by the sea, the love of a family they had to give it back Living off what is thrown up on the sand, for days they go without a meal Hunger , pains, foot sore, physical pain isn’t something they can feel They will always remember, the wave, towering above them The sea didn’t want them, sparing their lives, they owe eternal debt. Running risks ever day, they forage in the water, swimming in the sea While they both live, they stay by what they know, never leaving, and devotion For as the wave, rose to the sky, the young girl made a promise If she and her brother waited, stay by the sea only to reminisce Until separated, they could live, the sea must have heard For the sea picked them up lifted like a bird While carrying them inland, to a destiny they could have not forgetting her promise, to stay where her family was seen last she decided to find a way so forever she would stay she slipped and fell in to the sea, in grief her brother went away torn up inside, till he understood, and once a year he returned to that place, in tribute, with his sister near he brought two white roses, to throw into the aqua deeps a rose meant to thank for the sacrifice, and one for the sea |
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| © Copyright 2006 rhia_5779 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
well done. it's been a long time since i have said that in this forum. your imagery was well used and the rhyme, while a little forced at times, still caught my attention. i am pleased with your choice of vocabulary. you used a wide aray of adjectives and it kept things fresh. once again, great job. you are a breath of fresh air in a stagnant room. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
hoo replied i cant tell |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Okay, first off in answer to your question young_blood replied. I liked this poem, I liked the form and the wording, but to be honest I must admit that the story line wasn’t my favorite. Maybe it was because of the ending, maybe not, I’m not sure why. Just for me the story didn’t do anything and I really like the kind of story that moves you, not always but mostly, no offence to you… I also think, and I’ve noticed this about a lot of your poems you’ve posted online, that if you do something shorter more people might read them and reply. Personally I don’t post my longer poems online for this reason… The only reason I’m saying this is cause I’ve noticed that you don’t have very many replies. Although, like I said I like the form and the wording. The descriptiveness in this poem, I think, is what really makes it good it emotes good imagery. How you describe the water, the sky, and the silence, really adds to the poem. So I’d have to say if I were to choose a favorite part it would be all of the describing words in the poem/sentences. I felt that without those I might not have kept reading but with them there I was blown away by some of the beautiful lines you wrote. Once again great job rhia, I’m sorry I didn’t have anything very good to say… keep writing, I’d love to see what you come up with next  @-->--- |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
thats prob a good idea. my poems are kinda long. i have short poems, im gonna post the shorter poems, and less long poems. thanks |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
i agree with stargal but i also agree with young_blood it was a little long.....but i absolutly loved it for a long poem; it was creative. the beggining was awesome,I loved the rhyme the flow.... towards the ending though i felt it was losing it's touch but the last sentence was a beautiful touch can't wait to read more from you... hunnie* A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your |
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