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pdean8
Junior Member

since 2006-01-14

Posts 11
Queensland, Australia

0 posted 2006-01-27 08:38 AM

I remember months ago
When I first saw her
My life had in an instant
Erupted in a burst of light.

It was at a dinner that I first noticed
Tendrils of darkness wrap around me
I held her hand with warmth
In return I got, shock and horror

I left subtle hints in her path
For her to notice but they were left
Right where they were placed
The darkness continued to consume me

As I continued to descend
Into this pit of black
I tried all things possible to find
The way to escape this pit
Until I had only one choice left

We sat down on the bench
I asked her “do you love me”
Her silence told me what I feared
I felt the darkness cover me

The last thing I can remember
Sitting on the couch
Waiting, Waiting, Wai…

The darkness consumed me

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2006-01-27 09:52 AM

very nicely done, glad to see you reposted this one...I like this version better....it "works" much better.

pdean8
Junior Member

since 2006-01-14

Posts 11
Queensland, Australia

2 posted 2006-01-27 09:55 AM

thanks for the reply. it was a pity the first got deleted as the effect I wanted written down was to shock people but this still works, leaving people to guess can make the difference in any poem

XxnoraxX
Member

since 2006-01-24

Posts 122
<3 MA,,,USA <3

3 posted 2006-02-02 04:54 PM

i really liked this.  good job but now i really want to know what happened...

              XxnoraxX

LifeSinger
Junior Member

since 2006-01-15

Posts 25
Kentucky, USA

4 posted 2006-02-05 10:44 AM

i wish i could've read the first one

pdean8
Junior Member

since 2006-01-14

Posts 11
Queensland, Australia

5 posted 2006-02-11 11:44 PM

if you would like the original just email me on pdean8@gmail.com

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

6 posted 2006-03-09 02:45 PM

nice. love to read the first one also.

           Jessica

    Character is what you
      do when you think that
         no one is loking--??

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member

since 2006-02-26

Posts 591
USA

7 posted 2006-03-09 07:28 PM

hey this was great.. I loved this poem. I think I'm gonna take you up and email you to get the original. I would love to read it..

~Heather

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

8 posted 2006-03-10 12:56 PM

it's nice... but i feel like it's a bit to dramatic? did i just say that?!? no, it really is a nice poem, i just can't seem to relate to it very well

but that's not the point for me to relate to it.

Good job

@-->---

pdean8
Junior Member

since 2006-01-14

Posts 11
Queensland, Australia

9 posted 2006-07-11 08:27 AM

Hey XxnoraxX, just to point out everything in the poem is how it all happened

cherrys_rule
Member

since 2006-03-18

Posts 442

10 posted 2006-07-22 09:37 AM

Man that was so sad. I'm sorry that had to happen to you. But very good write. i never saw your other version, but i thought this was pretty nice.

~trapped in this thing called life~

oh_my_goshijustgotexcited
Member

since 2006-07-12

Posts 52
USA, IDAHO

11 posted 2006-07-22 06:20 PM

i know the feeling! very nice job! post again soon!
-later

Viola

kin3tix
Junior Member

since 2006-07-05

Posts 17
Somewhere wondering...

12 posted 2006-07-24 07:10 PM

Very well written. I love the feeling(s) it portrays and the drama involved. Great poem.

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