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Teen Poetry #7

Game of Shame

* shining star*
Member

since 2005-06-29

Posts 76
PA,USA

0 posted 2005-07-16 12:06 PM

So here I go,
where I end up I will never know.
You can try to tell me what you think,
and if your favorite color is pink.
I probably won't listen to you,
but that doesn't we're through.
I miss looking at your face,
the way you smile with your grace.
I miss the way you hug me,
like how you remind me of the sea.
I hope you think about the times we had,
the good times and the bad.

When I see you,
I want to turn away.
Even though I see you almost every day.
I still feel the same.
But I am not going to play your game,
your game of shame.

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

1 posted 2005-07-16 08:41 AM

Um...Okay two things that I didn't like, and please don't kill me for it/them. 1.In the second or third line, you said 'no' instead of 'know'..sorry, PLEASE fix that, I stuck on that one for a second longer than I should have, and that stuff is a pet peeve of mine. 2. DON'T be a slave to rhyming. It's not necessary, and often not helpful. Pick a message, find the correct phrasing, and if it rhymes, great. Other than that, live and let live. Poems do NOT have to rhyme, and you sort of destroyed any message you could have sent out to me with, what is in my opinion, horrible rhyming sequences that didn't make sense or fit in with any real message.

I don't know though. I am exhausted,(No sleep last night, as you can tell from the poem I posted about 10,20 minutes ago) and feel like I've have been harsh, but the above is how I felt reading your poem. Whether you agree or not, or listen or not, is, as always, totally and completely up to you. I thought you would have had potentially an awesome message, but I missed it. Sorry.

<3

I cant believe how long i waited
for the boy to turn into my man...

Now if i could figure out, if it was worth the wait.

* shining star*
Member

since 2005-06-29

Posts 76
PA,USA

2 posted 2005-07-16 11:56 AM

thanks, really i didnt even notice that i mispelled that but i'll fix it.

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