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Teen Poetry #7
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tearsoflove13762
Member
since 2004-09-05
Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2005-05-11 01:17 AM


You have me feeling emotions
deeper than I ever dreamed,
deeper than the depths of the sea.

When you tenderly touch me
I know it isn't real.
Although I like the way I feel inside.

I need to feel your heartbeat next to mine
when I wake up in the middle of the night.
Instead I feel cold, wet, drops of sadness fall down my cheek.

You make me feel so out of control
the way you wont look into my eyes
makes me feel so...
low.

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I dunno what this is its a mixture of all the guys in my life right now.

love will make you beautiful

© Copyright 2005 Laura Risner - All Rights Reserved
SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2005-05-11 09:05 AM


time to find a new guy...one that won't leaving you feeling so hurt...

fearing-laughter
Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)
2 posted 2005-05-13 07:59 PM


hi,
first of all i'd like to say i like this, but there are a few small things i would consider changing (keyword, consider lol).  first of all, how you used deeper twice in the beginning.  i like your sentiment behind it, but using a word twice is some weird pet peeve i have...i think you could find a better word for the second one, especially cause 'deeper then the sea' is kind of cliche (not that it's a bad thing or w/e)

i really liked the drops of sadness part though...but the ending is kind of weak. kind of like you cut it off, and it's sorta dissapointing. however, if you were going for that effect? then it's damn creative. lol i know i'm sorry i'm even confusing myself..but other then this stuff, i really liked your piece...i hope at least one tiny thing i said helped, and if it didnt? oh well. it always makes me happy to see really long replies to my stuff, so i'll make this one long for you lol.

thanks for sharing
bergundy (woo extra spaces make it longer)

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

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