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Teen Poetry #7
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Xeonox
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0 posted 2005-05-09 03:19 PM



This heart is given,
In an instance-
That’s when love was there,
This life worth nothing,
Without a hitch or fear,

Promise you that my love-
So pure, and so real,
That God himself will vouch,
For my insanity to be with you,

To hold you, and to see you,
Behind this smile,
A heart is uprooted,
You don’t believe what I say?

Please forgive me, for what I have done
I loved you then,
And love you now,
Don’t you see the truth?

This young life-
Had me brainwashed,
It took away my lover,
My only means to happiness,

Only these words can you now,
What pain I deal with,
Through these years-
And countless tears,
Your memory will never fade.


I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

© Copyright 2005 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved
SEA
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with you
1 posted 2005-05-09 05:14 PM


I really like it when you write more like this...it's wonderful
Xeonox
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2 posted 2005-05-09 05:16 PM


thanks..it depends on the mood.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

WranglrButts9
Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108
Iowa, US
3 posted 2005-05-09 05:54 PM


I dunno.. it flowed really good at the beginning, but then towards the end... it got a lil choppy in my opinion. Maybe it was just the way I read it. Other than that.. pretty good.

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Xeonox
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4 posted 2005-05-09 06:03 PM


can u specify which part was choppy...

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

WranglrButts9
Member
since 2004-10-24
Posts 108
Iowa, US
5 posted 2005-05-10 06:19 PM


" Promise you that my love-
So pure, and so real,
That God himself will vouch,
For my insanity to be with you, "

This part, In my opinion, flowed really well.

Then from there on it just.. didn't flow.

Like I said: maybe it was just the way I was reading it.

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

fearing-laughter
Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)
6 posted 2005-05-13 08:13 PM


i see the tiny bits of choppy  like bailey said, but it doesn't bother me. i like it, and i think it's really relateable. interesting to get a guys perspective. (i don't mean all of this as cliche lol) i liked this, and i am glad you shared it.

bergundy

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

aussie teen
Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396
Australia
7 posted 2005-05-16 08:51 AM


i liked the way it gets choppy towards the end.... it suits the poem really well.... i think this is a beautiful poem and you should give it to the girl its about.. i know and admit we females can be extremely cruel some times... stick it out if you want this to work out with her
good luck
Ruth

[This message has been edited by aussie teen (05-17-2005 07:36 AM).]

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