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Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

0 posted 2005-05-09 03:19 PM

This heart is given,
In an instance-
That’s when love was there,
This life worth nothing,
Without a hitch or fear,

Promise you that my love-
So pure, and so real,
That God himself will vouch,
For my insanity to be with you,

To hold you, and to see you,
Behind this smile,
A heart is uprooted,
You don’t believe what I say?

Please forgive me, for what I have done
I loved you then,
And love you now,
Don’t you see the truth?

This young life-
Had me brainwashed,
It took away my lover,
My only means to happiness,

Only these words can you now,
What pain I deal with,
Through these years-
And countless tears,
Your memory will never fade.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2005-05-09 05:14 PM

I really like it when you write more like this...it's wonderful

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

2 posted 2005-05-09 05:16 PM

thanks..it depends on the mood.

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

WranglrButts9
Member

since 2004-10-24

Posts 108
Iowa, US

3 posted 2005-05-09 05:54 PM

I dunno.. it flowed really good at the beginning, but then towards the end... it got a lil choppy in my opinion. Maybe it was just the way I read it. Other than that.. pretty good.

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Xeonox

Senior Member

since 2000-04-01

Posts 1764
CA, USA

4 posted 2005-05-09 06:03 PM

can u specify which part was choppy...

I speak insanity. I write fantasy. I sleep reality.

WranglrButts9
Member

since 2004-10-24

Posts 108
Iowa, US

5 posted 2005-05-10 06:19 PM

" Promise you that my love-
So pure, and so real,
That God himself will vouch,
For my insanity to be with you, "

This part, In my opinion, flowed really well.

Then from there on it just.. didn't flow.

Like I said: maybe it was just the way I was reading it.

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

6 posted 2005-05-13 08:13 PM

i see the tiny bits of choppy like bailey said, but it doesn't bother me. i like it, and i think it's really relateable. interesting to get a guys perspective. (i don't mean all of this as cliche lol) i liked this, and i am glad you shared it.

bergundy

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

7 posted 2005-05-16 08:51 AM

i liked the way it gets choppy towards the end.... it suits the poem really well.... i think this is a beautiful poem and you should give it to the girl its about.. i know and admit we females can be extremely cruel some times... stick it out if you want this to work out with her
good luck
Ruth

[This message has been edited by aussie teen (05-17-2005 07:36 AM).]

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