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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

0 posted 2005-05-01 03:51 PM

She sat down
feeling cold as ice,
thinking to herself
"How could this happen twice?"
A solo tear
strolled down her cheek
as her hands, they shook
and her legs felt weak
She couldn't look up,
couldn't look in his eyes
as he crushed her world
with his painful lies.
He'd done it before
and it hurt her so bad.
Now he had done it again
not knowing what he had
He stood with a "sorry"
as she stared at her feet
Then he walked out the door
and she admitted defeat.
She sat in her room,
and she knew he was gone.
She sat and she cried
for who knows how long,
Then she finally stopped,
wiped the tears from her eyes.
She stood and she smiled:
she was through wit his lies.
"She was finally free" she thought
"She was finally done"
as she walked out the door
out into the sun.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2005-05-01 06:44 PM

walk on...

dodge_chick2003
Member

since 2004-01-18

Posts 136
California

2 posted 2005-05-02 09:57 PM

I CANT BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE HAS POSTED TO THIS...THIS IS AMAZING...IT SEEMS LIKE ALL PEOPLE DO THESE DAYS IS JUST POST THEIR POEMS THEY DONT SEEM TO REPLY TO ANYONE ELSES.....THIS IS AWESOME....I LOVE IT...DONT EVER EVER EVER CHANGE ANYTHING TO THIS POEM, IT SPEAKS SO WELL ABOUT LOVE AND THE THINGS YOU GO THROUGH I LOVE IT. I CANT SAY IT ENOUGH I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

3 posted 2005-05-02 09:59 PM

thanks alot. this one actually meant something to me, the first poem that has in awhile...guess i lost my muse for some time there. you know how it goes.

happy posting

_keryn

WranglrButts9
Member

since 2004-10-24

Posts 108
Iowa, US

4 posted 2005-05-03 12:13 PM

wow wow wow wow wow! That is really all I can say, other than this fit me PERFECTLY... and goes along w. EVERYTHING that just happened this weekend... wow, this is awesome. Dont ever change it!

Bailey

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

5 posted 2005-05-03 08:49 AM

once again, this is bland. the only thing that kept me reading was the hope of some creativity. dodgechik is correct in saying that no one replies anymore, maybe it's because the same stuff is written. i mean, lets be freah! what if all the new music that came out sounded just like Justin Timberlake. It wouldn't be bad for a while, but the people grow tired of it. Same with poetry. That is why the great poets often were very abstract. They let you draw your own conclusions, they never laid the meaning out for you to see.

-alex

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

6 posted 2005-05-04 12:58 PM

screw everyone who is mean to it, i like it. awesome you can rhyme that much (not being sarcastic) i sooo blow at rhyming, plus i love the end...i've been there, i like this a lot. thanks for sharing

berg

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

dodge_chick2003
Member

since 2004-01-18

Posts 136
California

7 posted 2005-05-04 02:28 AM

I dont think have ever herd youngblood say something nice. LIKE I SAID BEFORE I LOVE THIS POEM...I CANT STOP READING IT....I think I have a problem..oh well good job...

CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa
Member

since 2003-07-16

Posts 248

8 posted 2005-05-04 03:19 PM

lol thanks for the critiques guys*especially dodgechik, you make me laugh*

_keryn

By the way, your hands are shaking...

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

9 posted 2005-05-05 10:44 PM

listen, i am just trying to help people get better. it's not a bad thing that I'm not like most the fake people on here who write "good job" no matter how bad it sucks. i am always honest with my answers. if i have not been constructive in my critique, then i aplogize. people need to take advice for what it is. advice. stop whining people. (crazi_babi this is not directed towards you)

Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

10 posted 2005-05-06 10:54 PM

Hey Hun,
Thanks for your comment on my poem! I absolutely loved this!! Great imagery and emotions put into the whole thing! And to answer your question about where in mass am i from.. i live in a small town called otis which u prolly never heard of lol. If u want you can drop me a line on instant messenger my sn is chrissccr18 or u can send an email to [email protected]. Look forward to reading some more of yours and hopefully you will enjoy some of my others i have written.

Hugs, Chris

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

11 posted 2005-05-07 05:33 AM

this is amazing crazi..... and i agree with dodge chick.... as far as i know young blood has never said anything nice about another persons work.... just because you write to release emotions by relating personal experiences to your work and not inventing the content or by giving everything multiple meanings....
any way back to the critique you write with so much emotion and clarity, use so much imagery there is no comparing your work to anything other than you.... that is the way writing should be... a reflection of who you are as a person and wat you go through in life.... well done and keep writing more
Ruth

live life as if your going to die tomorow....... but love as if your going to live forever......

shara
Member

since 2002-05-21

Posts 69
florida/USA

12 posted 2005-06-28 05:23 PM

we go throug all kind of changes in relationships and the reason why i like this poem so much is because the person you spoke of didn't give up, she cried for a certain amount of time then she realized that it wasn't the end, and continued on with her life, it says that the end of a relationship doen't mean the end of the life, but the beginning of a new one. very nice, well put together read, loved it from start to finish.

shara

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

13 posted 2005-06-28 11:54 PM

through every verse i cried even harder. cause this is exactly what i am goin thro... only... i dont admitt defeat. i keep on letting him do it. wow .... this is so powerful even if i wasnt goin thro this right now or if i had never experienced this i would be crying right now. thanks for sharing i am adding to my library

love will make you beautiful

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

14 posted 2005-06-29 01:26 AM

I agree with youngblood on this one. It is a bit bland, and could quite possibly suffice as a journal entry.Perhaps a few metaphors could bring it back into the poetic realm. By the way, Critiques are not always nice. They are meant to improve one's writing and that is exactly what youngblood is attempting to do.

perhaps those who are so defensive of "actual" critiques should take a harder look most of their comments. If they are all "oh cute" or "this is phenomenal" then maybe you should analyze the poetry a little bit deeper.

Rock on Youngblood, rock on.
-John

nice use of muffin

aim= FlyingScrew and EtherealCriminal. message me if you feel.

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