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Teen Poetry #7
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Invisible Ink
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Invisible Ink |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA 
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He bleeds his pain through unwritten words I see your invisible ink Stop hiding Lonely and broken You've buried yourself Among the rest But I can see You're weak Afraid to open your arms To an unknown entity Stop hiding behind Our laughs Pick the broken glass Up off the floor ------------ Definitely a rough draft, I would love some feedback on how to better this piece. So help me, please! hehe  XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo *~Serena~* "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge |
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| © Copyright 2005 Serena Marie Corbella - All Rights Reserved | |||
SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
it reads like you are talking about him, then it reads like you are talking to him...I think it should be one or the other, not both but other than that, I like it and think it's a great start I like it better if you are talking about him, not to him. Mostly cause that first bit really works |
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PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
Ha, yes I see exactly what you mean!! I totally switch perspectives. Thanks I will definitely change that! XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
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fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
no way i think it's cool the way it is, a newer perspective...but then again i don't really dig the 'rules' of poetry. the ending on this was amazing, excellent job. bergundy At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio |
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tapper798 Member
since 2003-07-20
Posts 353My own world |
wow, this was really good. I personally liked when you were talking to him rather than about him, gave it a more personal feeling you know? well anyways, great job, and I can't wait to read more! AIM-blueyed angel940 |
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