Looking away from the past

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Teen Poetry #7

Looking away from the past

tearsoflove13762
Member

since 2004-09-05

Posts 488
Texas.. and yes i have an accent

0 posted 2005-03-27 09:59 PM

I understand that your past is broken into
but how is it that u wont believe how i feel for you?

I havent lied or cheated;
but yet every time i try to gain your trust i am defeated.

I cant comprehend your lack of faith;
your heart i swear never to break.

I love you baby...

-hold on to the one you love

dodge_chick2003
Member

since 2004-01-18

Posts 136
California

1 posted 2005-03-31 05:45 PM

This poem was good but i believe it is too short

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2005-04-01 02:44 AM

'cant comprehend your lack of faith;
your heart i swear never to break.'

Just in this stanza, there's a few things I'd probably want to complain about.
1 - Just capitalize 'I'.  Put an apostrophe in 'cant'.  Makes it look more professional.  When you care about your poetry, others will too.
2 - Semicolon?  A lot of poets use them.  In my opinion, this isn't the best place for one.
3 - Please, don't rearrange your sentences to make them rhyme.  It never works.

"your heart i swear never to break."

Just sounds bad.

Anyways, good thoughts... I dont think this is bad because its "too short", I just don't care for the style in which you wrote it.

Keep writing though

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

3 posted 2005-04-01 04:53 PM

The person spoken about in this poem reminds me
of myself.  I imagine a certain person is thinking
those same thoughts right now.  I really liked
this one, though I happen to agree with drummer
on one point.  You've fallen victim to that
urge that plagues me often enough.  The need
to rearange a sentence structure to accomadate
the rhyme structure you're trying to create.
It's that, in fact, that leads me to call most
of my work, "crap," because I've given in to
that urge.  Don't feel bad, however, because
we all do it from time to time.  Other than
that, I liked this one alot.

                                 -Rich

"I am a part of the world that I hate/I wish the end would come faster, my world's a distaster," - Crossfade "Starless"

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