Untitled, so I could use some suggestions and feedback

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Teen Poetry #7

Untitled, so I could use some suggestions and feedback

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

0 posted 2005-02-06 10:41 PM

The cross on my arm
And around my neck,
The scars on my heart
That I shouldn't get,

The words that I write
To express my pain,
Just words made of ink
That will wash away,

In the end,
The pain is all I've got to remind me of you,
And how you brought about the end of all truth,
I should've never fallen in love with you,
I swear I will forget if it's the last thing I do,

Now I just want to
Move on with my life,
Leave you in the past
With all of the strife,

Now I'm looking for
A brand new sunrise,
So the sun can dry
The tears from my eyes,

Rebel of the sacred heart

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

1 posted 2005-02-06 10:52 PM

Finally, something that I'm actually really content with!

... but I'm at a loss for what to call it...
Oh cruel fate! (dies)

(Sorry about the melodrama. I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare recently. Just finished Macbeth and Hamlet)

Rebel of the sacred heart

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2005-02-07 11:24 AM

shakespeare will do that to you, let me tell ya! Its so influencing!
This was good.
You expressed yourself well.
and it does seem true about words.
I was just saying the other day...
words are maybes, action is promise.

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

3 posted 2005-02-08 09:34 PM

pretty good...it didn't strike a huge chord with me or anything, but it still rang out pretty good. plus i like your quote, flogging molly rocks =)

bergundy

At least we're still friends! At least we're still alive!--Alkaline Trio

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

4 posted 2005-02-11 08:49 AM

this is powerful... well written and very emotional.... keep writing
as for a title mabe 'sunrise'
always around for a chat if you need it. email me at [email protected]
Ruth

live life as if your going to die tomorow....... but love as if your going to live forever......

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

5 posted 2005-02-11 08:52 PM

I like this very, very much. The only thing that bothered me was the rhyming of "life" with "strife", which has been done over and over. Aside from that, this is a flawless write, and it is going to my library.

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

6 posted 2005-02-14 04:05 AM

Thank you all for your much too kind words. I only wish that this song weren't about her. My poems are plagued by that constant theme, which is really unfortunate for me, because I can barely get myself to read love poetry, much less write it and not get depressed.

Rebel of the sacred heart

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