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fallen_star1715
Junior Member

since 2003-06-25

Posts 18

0 posted 2003-10-31 12:33 PM

With you i laughed,
with you i cried,
With you i belived,
with you i tryed,
with you i was complete,
with you i was brave,
with you i never got cold feet,
with you i was strog,
with you i feel like i belong,
but now your gone,
everythings gone wrong,
what do i do
without you?

Olive_8
Junior Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 41
Canada

1 posted 2003-10-31 01:01 AM

Ummm, honestly, it was only ok, i liked where you were goin with it, but then it lost its rythym, but it was ok!

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

2 posted 2003-10-31 01:42 AM

Yeah, I agree with Olive.  It seems like you wrote this pretty fast.  It is a good start, because now you know how you feel and your thoughts, now I would spend some time on trying to make it sound better.

Maybe changing the format around a little.
Try expanding on each line of this poem.
Don't worry about it rhyming.
Make it longer.

Those are all some suggestions (you don't have to use them all, or any of them).

Good luck with it.  It's not a bad start, but I dont think it works as a finished poem.

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

3 posted 2003-10-31 07:23 AM

I think it sounded good up until the line "with you I never got cold feet". That's where I felt it lost the rhythm. I also agree that you could definately work on it a little more and fix it up. You're off to a great start!

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-10-31 08:32 AM

This comes off to me as a poem where you just wanted to get some feelings out. On any rate, if you were...it's a great way of doing it. It sure helps sometimes. Other than that, keep writing! ~Jess

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

5 posted 2003-10-31 09:09 AM

its all depends on the person dude....how it applies to their life....me? this is going in my favorites. good write

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