so much for run on sentences (1) rewritten

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Teen Poetry #7

so much for run on sentences (1) rewritten

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

0 posted 2004-10-05 01:13 PM

The war is lost and I,
I had to surrender, I couldn't fight it
the ideas, the paper-mache happiness
the confusion swallowed me whole
and I was without a flashlight.

I couldn't find you

Sometimes I look after you
peering out the window simply
to make sure you've really gone

And I watch the sky change
with cold, closed eyes
I try to see through you
lost in internal organs
and the thought that this will never leave

I am stained

By nothing and everything
wrapped up in a dismal person
with an excuse for everything
and a reason for nothing
without a use for real words

So much for run on sentences
when they never mean anything
more than the words I can't say slowly
but must utter faster than you can comprehend
so that I might confess
and confuse at the same time

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

1 posted 2004-10-05 05:35 PM

Wow...i didnt think the lst one could get any better, and it seems you proved me wrong...

I really love this..now for the second.

Karissa

I ask why, but in my mind,
I find i cant really rely on myself.
~~~Linkin Park~~~

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

2 posted 2004-10-05 07:59 PM

Karissa...you just said what I was about to say! lol...
I'm off to read #2 as well.

Great job Allysa!

~Alli~

*:.AIM = Alli4000.:*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened...

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

3 posted 2004-10-07 07:21 PM

i liked it a lot better. you filled in the slow parts well. good job!

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