Incomplete...tell me what you think so far

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Teen Poetry #7

Incomplete...tell me what you think so far

thinktwice
Member

since 2003-12-23

Posts 125
United States

0 posted 2004-09-22 05:50 PM

The sense of my mind
Furnishes brilliance and lies
Though innocent and apart
It clashes continuously with my heart

and in my lips found shaking
under my grip still waking
Anxiety seeks to listen,
then to overtake, it's one mission

In riddles it wakes
My insecurity it takes
to heights never imagined
Anxiety inturrpted by passion

....

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-09-22 08:07 PM

first, the mind isn't really a sense. i understand the point, but it still doesn't fit. the aabb rhyming doesn't work that well because the lines are so short. it reminds me either of a bad punk song or a nursery rhyme. the content itself was pretty good, the form just sounded...kinda elementary at times. read it aloud and see what you think. good ideas though.

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